“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.” Psalm 37:4 (NLT)
Today, I am sitting here watching my 18-month-old play. She laughs, gives me a hug, climbs on my lap, and gives me a big smile. These are the moments I live for and if two and half years ago you told me this is where I would be today, I would have broken down in tears. At that point, I was about to give up hope. I was on my last leg. I was fighting the battle of infertility.
JR and I married in 2008 and knew we wanted children soon. I had been on birth control for years due to ovarian cysts that stemmed from endometriosis. By December of that year, we had decided to stop all birth control and planned on having a baby in our arms by the end of 2009. At the same time, there was a battle going on inside of me. I knew deep down what endometriosis could mean. I knew my chances of having a child were slim but I knew my God was greater. I knew that until the Spring of 2010 when I still wasn’t pregnant. At that point, I began having a lot of doubts about God and myself.
- Had I disappointed God in one way or another?
- Did God not care about my heart’s desire?
For whatever reason, God was not going to bless me with a child and after years of looking at negative pregnancy tests, I was almost willing to throw in the towel.
Enter a moment of God’s amazing grace and unconditional love. A moment where God said to me despite my doubts and fears, He had been there for me all along. He had paved a way that I hadn’t even seen. After prayer with dear friends and the opportunity to see my doctor (also a fertility doctor- God intervened BIG) two years earlier than most are able, we began fertility treatment. I worked hard to put aside my doubt and worked on believing that if God knew my heart’s desire, I would be pregnant.
A month after our visit, I began having cramps and knew the worse had happened- I’d either failed this attempt or worse, miscarried. I dreaded the trip to take my pregnancy test. I took it with worry in my heart and imagine my surprise when I came back to a very positive pregnancy test! I didn’t do one sweet thing for JR when I found out, I just jumped up and down on the bed screaming, “I’m pregnant!” It will be marked as not only one of the happiest days of my life, but one of the most humbling I’ve ever experienced. Despite my doubt, despite my hurt, despite everything I was going through, God still found favor in my life and showed grace upon me. I can’t help but stand in awe of what happened in our lives.
The rest is history and here we are planning for the second birthday of our miracle child. God has used infertility to draw me to Him and to help me realize that through Him all things are truly possible, despite what my mind may conceive as impossible. As we prepare for baby number two one day, I pray that I always remember the grace God showed me and despite the outcome, I pray I will trust in Him and His never failing love for me.
Are you battling infertility?
I want to encourage anyone that is having trouble with infertility to remember that despite your situation- God still loves and cares about you. There are many reasons why some of us have trouble conceiving and some never conceive. Is it fair? It doesn’t feel that way. In the same regard, God’s plan is to ALWAYS work for the good of those who are called according to His purpose. If we believe this to be true, we have to know that there is a greater plan and stand in His grace as we wait upon Him.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 (NLT)
Erinn is the wife to her wonderful husband, J.R., a mom to her precious little girl, Emma Grayce (1), and an adopted mother to her adorable puppy, Allie (3). She started the idea for Embracing Everything when her daughter, Emma, was born. Through the meaning of Emma’s name, she wants to help others learn how to “embrace everything” in life! Be sure to visit her blog and her Facebook as she shares how they are Embracing Everything Emma!