Note from Leigh Ann: I’m really excited to welcome Sheila today as a guest writer. I get questions a lot as a blogger, and this is a topic that I just don’t ever feel equipped to answer. When Sheila emailed me, I jumped at the chance to have her here. My husband and I have read several posts on her site together, including the books she mentions at the end of this post. I highly recommend them to anyone who is seeking help and encouragement for their marriage in the area of intimacy, and today’s post applies to all of us married ladies. So, enjoy!
By guest writer Sheila from To Love Honor and Vacuum:
Have you ever noticed that movies and TV shows make women’s sex drives look just like men’s?
Here’s what happens, pretty much every time: the couple’s together, and they start to pant. So they fall into each other’s arms and they begin to kiss. Then the clothes come off. And then they end up in bed.
They pant, they kiss, they take off their clothes, and they end up in bed.
Pant. Kiss. Clothes. Bed.
If this is what you see, over and over, you may begin to think that’s natural.
So there you are, at home with your husband, and you’re waiting to pant
And nothing happens.
So you figure, “I guess I’m just not in the mood”, and you return to browsing Pinterest or you go and make another cup of tea.
But what if that whole portrayal of women’s and men’s sex drives is wrong? After all, our media sees sex entirely as something physical. When you take sex out of the context of a committed marriage, then all you have left is the body. No wonder our culture is so off base!
Rosemary Abbott of the University of British Columbia did a study a while ago that found that while men tend to be aroused BEFORE they started to make love (that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?), most women are not aroused UNTIL they start. They’re not panting at all!
Instead, they make the decision to make love, and then once they start, they relax enough and tell themselves, “I am going to have FUN tonight!” It’s only then that their bodies kick in.
For women, our sex drives are primarily in our heads. If our heads aren’t engaged, our bodies won’t follow.
But that also means that we have a great deal of power when it comes to our libidos! Instead of waiting to feel in the mood, we can tell ourselves positive things about sex: “I am going to enjoy this tonight.” “I am going to sleep so well after this!” Or even, “I am going to rock my husband’s world!”
Now, there’s no doubt that husbands often need to learn what makes wives feel good (because many husbands don’t understand foreplay, for instance!). But it’s also true that one night he could do something that has you in raptures, and three nights later he’s doing exactly the same thing, move for move, and you’re lying there thinking, “will you just get over with because I want to get to sleep!” It’s not about what he’s doing; it’s about what you’re thinking!
That’s why great sex isn’t about panting beforehand and it isn’t JUST about him doing the right thing. It’s also about us concentrating and putting our brains to work for us!
When you make love, ask yourself, “What feels good right now?” That makes your brain cut off that shopping list and concentrate instead on your body. And you just may find that it does feel good, after all!
God made women so that our response isn’t as automatic as men’s sexual response tends to be.
We have to make the decision that we want to make love. We even have to make the decision that we’re going to have a good time! But I think there’s a logic behind that. Because we need to make that decision, then both husbands and wives have an incentive to work on feeling intimate outside of the bedroom, too. We have to build goodwill towards each other to even want to make love in the first place. If our sexual response was always automatic, then our relationships could be quite shallow.
Instead, when things work well, we get the best of both worlds. We feel close to our husbands, and we feel great in the bedroom. But ultimately it’s up to us: will we decide to jump in and take the initiative, or will we sit back and wait for the panting to happen?
Personally, I’d suggest jumping in and initiating sex tonight. Sex helps you sleep better. Sex helps you feel closer. Plus great sex feels amazing! It’s too great a gift to leave to chance. So decide to have fun tonight, and see what happens!
Come on over and download her free ebook, 36 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to The Bedroom!