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My Miscarriage Changed Me

my miscarriage changed me_edited-1

A few weeks ago we found out we were pregnant with our third child, but soon after I began to bleed and reality sank in. I had a miscarriage, and the following is what I wrote as my baby was taken into Heaven. It is my prayer that by sharing my innermost thoughts that those who have been through or will go through a miscarriage can find encouragement and solidarity as we choose joy amidst our grief.

My miscarriage. It has changed me. I am a mom of three beautiful children. One I haven’t met, but I know my baby is beautiful. I know because my baby was created in the image of God.

My baby fulfilled her purpose. My intentions for my baby and God’s intentions for my baby weren’t the same. My heart aches, but I choose to trust Him who created us both.

The story of my baby is beautiful. A baby we wanted so badly.

I peed on the stick three days early. I felt pregnant. Not to mention I was a hormonal wreck. I was hungry and tired. I wanted to know, and I had one test. So I took it.

After a few minutes the plus sign hadn’t shown up so I thought perhaps I was wrong. I was sad but not defeated. I didn’t expect to be pregnant again so soon.

An hour later, I went downstairs to get some water because my thirst was unquenchable. I looked in the trash can, pulled the test out like I always do with negative tests. You know – just to be sure.

I almost fainted right there on the floor. Clear as day. I saw a plus sign. I shook my head and completely forgot about my water.

I raced upstairs to tell my husband. He was wrapping up a business call while I jumped up and down like a wild banshee. I twirled and put the stick up to the natural sunlight. I mouthed to him, “We are pregnant. We are PREGNANT!”

Sam walked in and asked, “What is going on? Are y’all having a mean conversation?”

We have conflict sometimes. What can we say?

We told him that Mommy had a baby in her belly. He squealed so excited. He ran to the bed and jumped up and down yelling, “I’m going to have a sister! I’m going to have a sister!”

My boy wants a sister so badly. He’s been asking for his sister, “Ana,” for over a year. I was so excited to share with him God’s blessing and gift.

I’ve since had to tell him that his sister didn’t make it. I had to tell him she’s gone. She didn’t live. He was sad, but resolved that “if she’s with Jesus then I guess that’s okay.”

Sometimes we don’t get to meet our babies. Sometimes God knits them and forms them and then takes them. But He is good. We will pray for healing. We will praise Him for our gift and for our joy.

I hope that I get to be a mom again someday. I hope I get to welcome “baby Ana” into our home and not just our hearts.

My miscarriage changed me.

I feel a change in my heart that wasn’t there before.

You don’t know you take something for granted until it’s gone. I have two beautiful boys sleeping soundly and sweetly in the other room.

They are the best of friends. Their smiles will light up any room and their hearts are as big as the Grand Canyon. They love fiercely and openly. They are arrows in our quiver that we hope will light the world on fire in the name of Jesus.

We have big hopes and dreams for our kids, but today I am reminded that we aren’t guaranteed another moment. I do not know God’s plan for each of my children’s lives. I don’t know when He will call my babies home. I don’t know when He will call me home.

I am reminded of why I am so passionate about intentional living and making a plan for our days. Our lives are short. A drop in the bucket of time.

And so today as I grieve my baby who accomplished God’s plan in a few short weeks, I will rejoice and renew my outlook on motherhood and life.

Grief – it’s not meant to push us away from God. Grief is meant to draw us nearer to the throne of grace. It’s meant to remind us of our need. Our need for the One who bore it all. The One who can sympathize with our every tear and murmurings of sadness because He too gave up His child. His only child. To death on a cross.

For me.

For my baby.

For my children.

I’m a new creation. I am being renewed day by day. And today I choose to let God change me and refine me in the fire of trials. Because I’ve tasted the other side. I know that God is good. I’ve tasted God’s goodness time after time after time. He has never left me. He will never forsake me. Not now. Not ever.

I may not understand Him and all His ways. But I can trust Him because He is trustworthy. Because He is worthy. Worthy of all our praise.

From this day forward, I will be a different mom. A mom whose baby taught her more in a week than she’s learned about motherhood in her lifetime. These children are a gift. A frustratingly, exhausting gift sometimes, but a gift.

A gift I will cherish.

A gift I will steward well by the grace of God.

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40 Comments

  1. Thank you for your vunerability and Truth in the midst of your journey. Blessings and hugs, and may God continue to use the albeit short but extremely precious life of this little one for His glory.

  2. Tears & prayers, my dear friend. I’m so sorry for this crappy loss. I don’t understand it, and I don’t ‘know what it’s like’, but I wanted to just say something anyway. Prayers for the Holy Spirit to minister to your heart today. xo.

  3. Sweet, sweet friend. As I’ve said, I am so very sorry for your loss. These words are beautiful, such a poignant way to honor your wee one who was born into Heaven. My prayer for you is the continued comfort and closeness of Christ as you mourn, grieve, and heal.

  4. My heart aches with you, many prayers for you and your family. I have another brother or sister waiting for me in heaven. I can’t wait to meet him or her! At least we know we will indeed see them again. What a sweet promise from the Lord 🙂

  5. Leigh-Ann, I am so sorry. I know you’re probably not feeling it right now but by the evidence of your words, you are trusting God and leaning on Him. You’re doing better than I did. I miscarried twice before our first and I battled with a lot with God {granted, it felt like icing on a bad cake, but still}. Lamentations 3:19-25 always gets me through hard times. Bless you sister x

  6. Encouraging words. I felt so much of the same things when we miscarried. I’ll never forget the feelings of loosing a child and reflecting on God giving his Child.
    Love and prayers xo

  7. Leigh Ann, My heart aches that you have to go through this. I cannot imagine how awful it is to lose such a precious gift but you have encouraged me with your words that it is possible to praise God even through trials. Sending comforting thoughts and prayers your way!

  8. I am very sorry for your loss Leigh Ann. I wish it had not happened but I am thankful that we can grieve as those who have a sure and steadfast HOPE. I had an early miscarriage last spring and it changed me too. It’s so hard. Even driving home from the hospital, though, the Lord was ministering to me through His Spirit and through the words of a favorite hymn. I will be praying for you and your family. That His comfort and mercy will be your very present help, and that this hard situation will lead to knowing Him more richly and the testimony of His grace being shared with others (which it already is, here, so thank you).

    “From the Depths of Woe”: http://indeliblegrace.bandcamp.com/track/from-the-depths-of-woe-psalm-130

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss.
    I was actually journaling about my first miscarriage as well, nearly 8 years ago. The thought that helped me was that we all have a purpose. God has designed us for a specific mission. She had finished her mission already. As much as I would love to have held her (mother’s intuition that she was a girl) in my arms, I praise God that I will meet her one day and, if it was not for her passing, I would never have birthed my oldest son. She also taught me that all the little things don’t matter. I give my kids up to Him daily and choose to find joy even in the difficult moments. Difficult moments makes better memories than no moments. I agree that it changes you as a mom.

    Praying that you have a smooth recovery and that you continue to feel God’s hand holding your and your family’s hearts.

  10. I’m so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are not always talked about, but I don’t feel like they need to be kept so private. So thank you for sharing.

    It’s hard…I have been there (at 11 weeks with my first).

  11. So sorry to hear of your loss. I too know the pain/loss of miscarriage as I have three angels in heaven(6-11-01, 9-9-13, 3-17-14). Although I will never understand, I can rejoice in knowing I will see them again. Until then I will cherish the 6 children I have here and not take each day for granted. Prayers for you and your family as you grieve the loss of your angel but thankfully we have HOPE!

  12. I cannot imagine what you are going through! My mum had three miscarriages – one before me, one between me and my sister, and one after my sister – and it feels strange yet comforting somehow to know that I have three siblings who watch over me and pray for me who I will one day get to meet. I hope that you continue to find hope and peace in God. We will be praying for you in this time.
    Claire

  13. The Father gave this to me years ago.
    May it comfort you and yours now.

    My eyes long to see you
    Now you behold Him
    My arms ache for you
    Now you know perfect love
    My ears yearn for your voice
    Now you sing His praises.
    I desire to feed you
    Now you will never know hunger.
    I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet
    Now you play at His pierced ones.
    I dreamed of years of love and laughter
    Now you will never know pain.
    I longed to watch you grow and develop
    Now you are perfect.
    This isn’t how I planned but I know He loves you
    and me.
    Monique Stam

    1. Wonderful poem. Thank you so much. My husband and I miscarried 2 embryos this August. I have a precious 15 year old daughter but these “twins” were the attempt of my husband and me (we’ve been married 4 years) to have children that would be his biologically: he had never had his own. ) We are older, so this was our first and last chance. I have outwardly been “strong”, but inwardly it has hurt so much. If I had not been carried in the Lord’s arms through it (I felt that so strongly), I wouldn’t have made it without total despair. I am immensely comforted by the belief that I will see these two babies in Heaven. Thank you , again, so much for your poem.

  14. My heart is so sad for you and your family! I thank you though for sharing your heart in all of this and the truth that God has given you in the midst of this trial. It reminded me of the the truths He taught me in the short lives of my first 3 children, lessons that quietly slipped into the shadows of my mind amongst the busyness of my current life. Good is definitely continuing to drive home the point to me of living each moment with His purpose and His mission in mind.

  15. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have had 2 miscarriages. One was twins after a 4 year span of infertility the other was last year. It was extremely hard. But you are so right to turn to God in your grief and use it to draw closer to Him. Even though we don’t understand all the reasons why, it’s so good to know that God can use these sad (bad) circumstances for our good and His glory. (((Gentle Hugs))))

  16. Thank you so much for this post. It brought tears to my eyes. I had a miscarriage in June of last year. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we were married 3 and a half years ago. I have a son from a previous relationship and your article has opened my eyes to the fact that God has blessed me with one healthy son and I should cherish him and let God work his magic on when he wants me to have another child. You will be in my prayers and I hope you feel some comfort that your baby is with Jesus and that you have a wonderful family to love you through this tough time.

  17. I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who has never seen a + test, but been waiting 3 years, I can’t relate what it’s like to be pregnant and lose a baby, but I know it must be heartbreaking. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit!

  18. Thank you. Thank you for words and emotions I’ve been unable to express with even a tenth of your eloquence over the past year. Prayers for you and your family – God Bless.

  19. How dearly loved is that baby who God called so quickly to heaven, Never to know the pain or suffering of this world.
    I know your exact feelings. This was me just a few months ago. While I’ll always wonder about the one I lost. The experience of my miscarraige made me more thankful for the child I have, and while strange to some gave me comfort that God saw fit to take my unborn child directly to Him.

  20. I just lost a baby at 14 weeks in January. A baby that was wanted more than anything after 10 years of trying. No two have two boys (11 & 15). I don’t understand it all and it really hurts, but I know that God has held me every step of the way.

  21. It’s so brave of you to share this, Leigh Ann. I have had two early miscarriages and did not announce either pregnancy before I miscarried (One at 9 weeks and one at 11 weeks), and have never written publicly about them. But you are right that they do change us as mamas. And I admire you for being vulnerable for the sake of other moms who may feel isolated in their own experience of miscarriage. You carry a really important message of encouragement, and I know it takes courage on your part. Thank you!

  22. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I can so relate to this right now. We lost a baby boy 2 weeks ago and while I miss him terribly, I know that he is in a wonderful place and that I will be forever changed by both his presence and his absence in my life. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s never easy for anyone. This experience has also led me to hold my daughter a little bit tighter and to cherish her that much more.

  23. A long time ago, I had a miscarriage as well, and till today my reaction to it, has upset people, angered people, or they just shook their head and walked away.

    I thanked God, for making nature so awesome, nature knew about this fetus,and nature knew something was wrong, so nature did the right thing, it miscarried, how can one be sad, knowing that the universe ,and the way God made nature is perfect, so no I did not grieve, I was, and, I am grateful, that(God) created nature perfectly.
    So for me, a miscarriage is not something to be sad about , it is when you stop to think and are grateful to the wonderful creator, and are awe stricken in the perfection of the universe.
    I am writing this in the hope that instead of grieving for a so called loss, we thank God for the perfection of his creation.

  24. The first time I read your post I could only sympathize with you… Today I can empathize. It is so hard, but I know God is in control! He is good! And he is faithful! I love my son who is sleeping in his crib, but I mourn for the loss of the child that I was unable to meet. Thank you for sharing… I needed to read this!

  25. Thank you for sharing your story. I have just experienced similar situation. I was 10 weeks pregnant with 3rd child and just had a miscarriage. My two boys longed for a baby sister. It breaks my heart to tell them she didn’t make it. But they will have comfort knowing she is with Jesus. Blessings to you.