Sitting there in the lowly lit dining room, fighting back tears, and sharing the raw honest truth was hard. I don’t much care for showing my vulnerable side. So when she asked me if I would ever reach out for help, for a shoulder, for friendship when my husband travels and it all becomes too much, I wanted to scream to anyone who would listen:
But it’s not what I want.
I don’t want you. I want him.
I don’t want your family. I want mine.
I don’t want to have to reach out for help. I want him here. With us. Where he belongs. Not out there fighting for faith, facing temptation, and splitting my heart in two because he missed yet another first for his babies.
It’s not what I want.
Traveling husbands. They just totally bite the dust. I want to use the word suck, but it’s not allowed at our house, and I figure it’s not allowed at yours either. But it’s true I guess. It just sucks.
She says, “It’s just a season. I promise.”
I know. But it’s a five year long season, and I’m growing very weary. I hate it more with each trip. I hate it more with each good bye kiss.
As I lay nursing our baby in the quiet of the morning, I thought back over the evening before. What grace. Everyday grace. There are so many ways in which I see God’s comforting hand on my life, and as I begin a new day with him gone.
When it all becomes too much, there’s a friend who has been there, waiting with open arms to welcome me home.
When my arms hurt from lifting one more crying baby, there’s a friend I can call on who will carry my burdens with me.
When I want to throw a toddler temper tantrum, there’s a friend who will let me, and then gently point me back to the Cross.
When he travels, and my heart feels like it might burst, Jesus stands in the gap, walking hand-in-hand with me even though I’m a little mad at Him.
When I don’t want to say good bye, I thank God that I have a man that I never want to be away from. A man that I love and cherish and not just walk alongside because we share two beautiful children.
It’s grace. All of grace. Everyday grace. It’s not what I want. But I will move forward in faith. And I will pray. Pray really hard.
This post is part of 31 Days of Everyday Grace series. You can see all the posts here.
31 Days of Everyday Grace: I Am a Mother {Day 27}