10 Ways to Help a Friend Who has Experienced Miscarriage

Note from Leigh Ann: I asked Tiffany to guest post after her words and actions, though she’s many miles away from me, ministered to my grieving heart and helped give me hope when we lost our baby, Lucy, in a miscarriage. The tangible ways in which she cared for my family was a blessing, and I know this post will bless many who aren’t sure how to care for someone going through a miscarriage.

By guest writer, Tiffany:

As my husband and I stared at the ultrasound screen, we prayed to see the faintest flicker of movement. A blink, a flash, any sign of life would have put our breaking hearts at ease. We pleaded with God to let the doctors be wrong, and to prove that our second child was still alive.

I should have been 11 weeks pregnant, but Emma’s tiny little body only measured 8 weeks. She was already gone. There was nothing we could do to save her. The doctors sent me home to miscarry.

This would be the last night as a family of four, as I still carried the shell of Emma’s lifeless body within me.

We left the hospital to go home to our full-of-life two year old. After a seemingly endless night, we had to return to the emergency room the following day–to have a D&C. I was not able to miscarry naturally at home, as we had hoped. This terrible dream continued.

My husband and I never felt more alone than in the days and weeks that followed. Our friends and family loved us and cared about us, but admittedly had no idea what to say, or what to do.

What meant the most is that people simply showed up. The greatest acts of love were shared through a handmade baby blanket, meals that were delivered, and cards that arrived in the mail.

I prayed for peace, for comfort, and for the day I would not cry myself to sleep. With each passing day, the pain seemed to lessen, but the love we had for our precious baby remained.

You are not alone

In the years of healing following Emma’s death, I’ve come to realize how many people tried to help us, but just weren’t sure how. I’ve also been able to look back and see what really brought us comfort in our hardest moments.

Studies show that nearly one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage or stillbirth. Chances are, either you, your sister, neighbor, co-worker or friend will experience the death of a baby before birth. My prayer is that this post might help you with practical ways to reach out to a hurting loved one.

Photo Credit: Mindy Joy Photography

Ways to Help a Friend Following the Death of a Baby

Be there

Literally. Offer to sit and listen. You may not feel like you have the right words to say, so don’t feel like you have to. Know that nothing you can say will make the pain disappear.

Try avoiding clichés

Don’t say things like, “It was God’s will,” or “You’re young, you can get pregnant again.” While words can’t make the pain go away, these words can inadvertently cause other feelings to arise.

Offer empathy

Acknowledge the pain and feelings that your friend is experiencing. Remind her that it is OK to feel the way she is.

Do Something

If you want to help, give a gift of your time. Do her dishes or laundry. Offer to watch her other children. Bring her dinner. Ask her what you can do for her that will help her the most.

Be Patient

Her pain will not heal overnight. Some days will be better than others for her. If you are pregnant or have small children, know that she might want to distance herself from you. Don’t take it personally. Let her know that you will be there for her, whenever she needs your support.

Acknowledge the baby

Ask if they had a name picked out for the baby, and if so, refer to the baby by that name. No matter how small the baby might be, he or she was already a beloved member of that family. The miscarriage means a loss of life, and they need time to mourn the loss of not only their baby, but all of the hopes and dreams they had for that baby.

Remember the Dad

If there is a husband or boyfriend in her life, he is going to need support, too. Men and women grieve differently, but he will still need your compassion. Men often don’t show their emotions the same way women do, but that doesn’t mean he is not hurting.

Honor special dates

Send her a card on important dates such as what would have been the baby’s due date. Remember the baby’s birthday. No matter how far along the baby was, he or she was still born, honor that day the following year. Consider giving a personalized Christmas ornament.

Give her something to hold onto

Be it a blanket, a teddy bear, a memory box, or something else, give your friend something to hold in her hands, to remember her baby. I give all families experiencing a loss a personalized box, filled with a blanket, tea, wildflower seeds, soft tissues, and other items that might be meaningful to her.

Follow this link to The Haven Network’s page on Pinterest for some additional ideas. We also give every grieving mother a bracelet from Hudson’s Band of Hope made in loving memory of a baby named Hudson. These bracelets are beautiful, and have meant so much to hurting moms.

Help her find additional support

Help your friend find resources and people that might help during this time of grief. Help her find a support group,counselor, bereavement center, or Stillbirthday doula in your area.

The death of a child is one of the most painful events a person will experience. To the person or couple going through the miscarriage, it may feel overwhelming. Now, more than ever, they will need a comforting hug, listening ear, and reassurance that while this storm in life will pass, they will not walk through the rain alone.

Have you gone through a miscarriage? What did your friends and family do that was the most helpful?

Other posts related to this topic that you may want to read:

• How to Apply the Gospel When Grief Strikes
• My Miscarriage Changed Me
• How to Help a Grieving Friend {the helpful and the not so helpful}
• Better than a Hallelujah – Thoughts After a Miscarriage
• Are You Trusting God with Your Family Size?
• Battling Infertility: Standing in Grace as We Wait Upon Him

Guest writer Tiffany Wogsland is the Director of Family Services for The Haven Network, Northern Illinois’ Perinatal Hospice and Bereavement Center. She is also a Stillbirthday Certified Birth and Bereavement Doula. She supports families prior to, during and after birth, in any trimester. She considers it an honor to walk alongside of families during their hardest moments, as well as to celebrate with them during “rainbow” pregnancies, which are pregnancies after a loss. Her greatest and most challenging call in life is that of wife and mother. She can be reached by email at heldbyhope@hotmail.com