This post is written by contributing writer, Nikki from Christian Mommy Blogger.

As we all know, marriages aren’t perfect. We struggle and sometimes we want to give up. Learning some solid principles and tools to keep your marriage on the right track is key. When your marriage is on the rocks, a fight can make or break you. With A Surrendered Marriage Challenge, we are trying to help arm you with the tools to “make” it, so let’s talk about how to turn your fight from a negative to a positive.

1. Speak the Truth in Love

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Ephesians 4:25

Don’t you wish your spouse could read your mind? Well, maybe that wouldn’t be such a good idea all of the time! I would however, love it if my husband were able to understand what I wanted to say when I struggle with knowing how to say it.

To have a productive fight {this doesn’t mean yelling} I need to remember that my spouse cannot read my mind. I must remember that I need to speak the truth. This means I need to be 100% open with what I am saying. Don’t waste time sugar coating or leaving certain details out.

But do remember, you need to be sure you speak these “truths” in a loving way {Colossians 4:6}.

So say it with me: Speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth –  in a loving way.

2. Deal with Today’s Problems TODAY

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

I honestly feel that after reading this passage, you likely need little explanation.

Take this passage very literally. If you have  a problem and you have not resolved it, do not go to sleep. The moment you lay your head down on the pillow and decide to put it off for tomorrow, you are sinning. This is very black and white.

And might I add, the problem is never better if you do this. This gives the devil a foot hold.

3. Focus on the Issue, Not the Individual

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Ephesians 4:29-30

You need to make sure your words are productive. Any words that take away from the issue are counter-productive. Think of marriage as the two of you being on a team. It isn’t “you win”, “he loses.”

You both lose if you have a fight that does not lead to a resolution.

If necessary, take your problem and define it apart from the individual. What are you really upset about? How can this be prevented in the future? Take emotions and feelings out of this, what really caused this? Define it. Decide, as a team, how you will combat this problem and prevent it from happening again.

4. Act Biblically, Do Not React Sinfully

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Kind. Tender-hearted. Forgiving.

If you have those three qualities, you will not have a blow-out. What’s more, if only one of you have those qualities, you will not have a blow-out {how much more successful will your problem resolving be if you both have those qualities}!

Bitterness, wrath, anger, slander…those qualities cause you to act maliciously toward the person – not the issues (see #3). By pushing those tendencies aside and focusing on a kind response, forgiving spirit, and a tender heart, you will remain loving to the person {who you DO love!} and address the issue {which you do NOT love}.

Easy peasy! Your fight will no longer be a yelling match. You will resolve the issue and love the person. Now to put it into action!

Which of these 4 steps will you struggle with the most? Share so we can be praying for YOU!

Disclaimer: These principals were presented to me by my Pastor. I have applied them and paraphrased them on my own accord, alongside my husband.

This post is written by A Surrendered Marriage contributing writer, Mark from Chasing Leadership

Why do I pray for my marriage? Is it for me or for her?

Is my supplication to God for my benefit, or do I care more for my wife’s soul than I do about my own comfort?

The truth is that Leigh Ann is a clear example of Ephesians 3:20 in my life. She is more than I could ever ask for or imagine.

Why then do I lose patience with her so easily?  Why do I let frustration and or bitterness build up when she does something that I don’t prefer, or acts in a way that bothers me or hurts me?  Why do I not view her or treat her like the blessing she is 100% of the time?

Because I am a sinner!

It’s true. I do lose patience quickly.  Negative and bitter thoughts can flood my mind in moments of frustration, and I am soaked in self-righteousness. In the moment, I think I actually deserve better.

Two Things God Has Taught Me Through A Surrendered Marriage Challenge

1) Even if I am wronged and sinned against, it is so much less than the way I have sinned against Christ.

I can have hope for change. I can freely forgive and know that God is faithful. He does love me and desires good things for my life and my marriage.

I can accept the reality that my wife is not perfect… just as I am not perfect. When these imperfections show through and my self-righteous frustrations arise, I can surrender to God in prayer.  I can let go of the bitter thoughts and lies of the evil one and trust in the promises of God. My thoughts that my wife is never going to change are as false as saying God doesn’t exist.

Let me be clear… this is not about Leigh Ann and her faults, but my sinful response when she is not perfect.  I have to combat these thoughts and fight to return my mind to reality!

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. -Ephesians 6:12

I am not in a battle against my wife, but on the contrary, I need her to complete me and be the ONE that God designed us to be together and so win this battle against evil!

2) God has been challenging my process of surrendering. 

Even when I do turn to God in prayer in moments of frustration, I have come to realize that I am often praying for change in Leigh Ann to increase my comfort, and not praying for change in order to bring God glory.

God has been convicting me that I am more concerned with myself, and my comfort, than I am with my wife’s soul.  God is using every detail of my marriage to accomplish His purpose, and right now I think one of those purposes is for me to die to myself.

“Only love for Christ has the power to incapacitate the sturdy love for self that is the bane of every sinner, and only the grace of Christ has the power to produce that love.”
― Paul Tripp

So I will leave you with this video also from Paul Tripp and my favorite excerpt from it.

Love is willing self sacrifice for the good of another that doesn’t demand reciprocation, or that the person being loved is deserving.
-Paul Tripp

My prayer for my marriage is that we will both start living this definition out, and so be a true light of God’s love. I pray that I would surrender my comfort and trust in His goodness to accomplish all things for our good.

How are you doing at showing the TRUE Love of Christ to your spouse?

Mark is an ordinary guy with extraordinary dreams and has a passion for all things leadership. He is a disciple of Christ, a blessed husband & father, a medical device innovator, an outdoor enthusiast, and is all around passionate about life! Mark loves helping people discover their potential, and then, inspire them to chase leadership right where they are in order to impact the world around them. Find him blogging at MarktDutton.com, on twitter @marktdutton, or on Facebook.

Today’s post is from A Surrendered Marriage contributing writer, Jami from Young Wife’s Guide.

In my immaturity and unloving attitude, I have had the tendency to react harshly and with anger toward my husband. The Lord has grown me in this area over and over in our marriage, but I still struggle with it. My sinful anger is the biggest cause of strife in our marriage.

My husband is a peacemaker. He doesn’t like conflict and does whatever he can to resolve and /or avoid conflict. He doesn’t easily raise his voice and is very slow to anger. I am so thankful for him because he keeps me grounded, and through our conflict he teaches me something.

In the moments I yell, holler, get angry, and react poorly to my husband, he responds in humility (most of the time). I could go on for twenty minutes about how he let me down or didn’t do something right. Whether or not I am right, he humbly accepts this, apologizes if needed, and moves on. Thirty seconds later he is ready to be sweet again and carry on our evening. Meanwhile, I’m still seething with the hurt, upset that he moved on so quickly, and just irritated in general.

This is what he has taught me and continues to teach me: I respond or react to my husband in anger which is often born out of pride, and am very slow to accept his apologies or make peace. Yet, in humility, he accepts my rebuke or chooses to ignore and forgive my sinful anger directed at him, and moves on to being a loving and compassionate husband.

Sometimes, I just want to sit in my anger. I am happy to stew over the “wrongs” my husband has done. Meanwhile, I am hurting my husband further because he simply wants to love me and feel loved back. I take my anger out on him, whether he deserves it or not,  which deepens the gap between us.

I have learned in our marriage that my angry reactions to him are sinful and that I need to be slow to anger just like the example my husband is to me.

James 1:19 says:

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

My husband leads by example in this. He is slow to anger and reacts with humility. He does not let his pride get in the way of how he treats me.

Notice the second part of that verse? The anger of man is not righteous. It does not say that, if you feel justified in that anger, then it’s okay. No. The anger of man does not produce righteousness.

I struggle with this. My husband is the closest person to me. He is my best friend and understands more about me and who I am than anyone else. Because of that, I feel close enough to let my anger out on him.

But this is not right. The love of my life, my best friend, should not be getting the second best from me. He deserves for me to treat him like he treats me: with humility and love, quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Do you struggle with anger at your spouse? Whether you feel justified in it or not, it could be tearing at the very fabric of your marriage.

Today’s post is from A Surrendered Marriage contributing writer, Nikki from Christian Mommy Blogger.

If there is one thing I have learned in my seven years of marriage it is this: marriage is tough.

If you are married, you understand this to be very true. If you aren’t married, I hope to enlighten you – not burst your bubble.

My marriage has had many ups and downs. Peaks and valleys, much like my relationship with God. What I do notice is my time with the Lord increases when my marriage needs help, and decreases when I feel I don’t need anything. I have recently changed this to focus on leaning on the Lord regardless of my happiness or sadness. I do realize, however, that it will be an ongoing challenge.

Isn’t it so hard to lean on the Lord when you appear to be standing just fine all on your own? This, my friend, is life as a Christian.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

You see, I thought I had it all figured out…marriage, that is. It wasn’t perfect, but it should be pretty easy to get it on track again – that is what I told myself.

I knew what my husband needed to change. I even made a list. I told him about it – usually when I was angry. I also knew what I needed to change. I didn’t make a list about that…who wants to see that in writing?

There, I had it all under control. We are struggling in our marriage and I have a list. Let’s go through this list and make the necessary changes. Then, and only then, will our marriage be back on track.

Then I got mad. I was hurt. I was wronged and trust me, I wronged him.

You see, we are all sinners. We all fall short of what the Lord has planned for us because we, on our own, cannot meet our own expectations, much less the Lord’s. We cannot fix our own marriage.

After a few years of the above scenario (try, fail, almost give up…try, fail, almost give up….repeat) I knew something had to change. My husband and I were both at our wits end and knew we couldn’t do it on our own. Okay, let’s be honest here – I knew we couldn’t do it on our own. My husband still felt he could. That made me feel discouraged. It is as though I knew the solution. I found the treasure map, but I couldn’t get to the treasure because the captain didn’t want to get out of the harbor. God was ready to be the navigator, I was ready to follow – I just needed my husband to lead.

And he didn’t.

Friends, this lasted for a while. I can’t tell you, that if you are in the same situation, it will be fixed overnight. It most likely won’t. What I can tell you is how I got to where we are now…and it is good. But trust me, we still aren’t “there” yet…is anyone?

Here are my 5 steps to getting my marriage on track:

1. Stop waiting for your husband (or wife) to initiate the change. This is actually about you more than you’d think. You need to start working towards a change in your marriage. So stop waiting and start on #2.

2. Pray. Yes, pray. Aggressively. Everyday. All of the time. I am sure you gathered this would be on my list, given the challenge! You see, I started reading 31 Days to a Better Spouse and that got me praying for my marriage. I then joined Leigh Ann’s Facebook group and spent another 30 days praying. And then (are you sitting down?) my marriage got….worse. Not better…worse. More on this in a moment.

3. Give your marriage over to God. You can’t save your marriage. No matter how hard you try. Yes, your marriage may stay in tact for the rest of your life, but it won’t be what God has planned if you don’t give it over to Him. What He has planned is so much more than you can imagine. Don’t you want to see what that is?

4. Seek counsel from others. Please be careful though. You may want to first seek counsel from friends (Biblical, married friends). Be very, very careful about seeking counsel with family. It can be very easy to slander your spouse without even realizing it. Next Thanksgiving, when your marriage is spot on, your older sister is going to still be hurt and angry at what your husband said to you last year. You have prayed and moved past it, but there is a chance she has not. Now your husband, who deserves respect, is not respected by your sister – and who else did she tell?

There are, of course, exceptions to this. If you are struggling with your marriage and you have lifted it up in prayer, and given it over to the Lord and you feel as though you need to talk to someone about it (perhaps your spouse is not on-board with the changes you need to make) then you may find there is a family member you can talk to. But please, keep your husbands appearance in mind. This is more important to men then we, as women, will ever know. You may feel as though “he doesn’t deserve any special treatment!” but please listen to me: if you feel angry or wronged – do NOT speak to others about it until you have cooled off. You can do more damage than you understand if you slander your spouse!

5. Go with professional help – Biblical Counseling. Even with prayer, giving your relationship to God, and wisdom from others, you may find you simply don’t have the tools to “fix” your marriage. God does! The Bible has so much instruction! If you aren’t yet married, I would highly recommend doing premarital counseling. Learn these tools before your marriage begins!

For those of us already married, this is invaluable! And what’s more…you don’t have to pay for it! Talk to your Pastor and schedule an appointment! He can give you Biblically sound advice that will help you repair what appears to be broken. He can help mediate when you and your spouse don’t appear to be on the same page.

My friend, if you feel lost, broken and unable to do anything else for your marriage – even on the brink of divorce, you should pray about this option. Think of it as solace in the middle of a divorce-approving world. Your pastor should be on your side – teaching you how to use Christ to strengthen your marriage. How to rely on Him to right what has been wronged and strengthen what has been weakened by years of hurt and anger. Do not consider divorce an option!

Your marriage is not just something you can toss aside: “That’s it. It is too hard. I just can’t do it anymore.” That is just not an option! You have to fight for your marriage! You have to give it all you got!

Oh, I said I would come back to something: my marriage was getting worse as I prayed. Yes, when something like that happens you can rest assured you are usually on the right track. You see, the enemy wants to make sure you throw in the towel. He wants to make sure to take you out at the knees with each one of the above mentioned steps. Might I add: I didn’t give up. I continued to pray through these challenges. My husband is now part of this challenge. We are seeking the Lord together and putting our marriage second (second only to the Lord!). Our marriage is on fire! It is so amazing. And it isn’t perfect…it is just amazing knowing where we are headed – and the Lord’s leading!

You will be tempted to give up. You will be encouraged by some that it is okay to give up. You will most likely see that your marriage gets harder before it gets better. But think of this analogy:

Christ went through death on the cross on Friday. He suffered more than we can imagine – taking on the sin of the world. His pain was so significant that it killed Him. The suffering was so much, He could not go on.

And then came Sunday. He rose again. He fulfilled all that was promised. He was in pain no more. We were delivered.

Friday may be miserable and feel like the end of the world…but Sunday is coming.

Nikki is a Jesus loving, stay at home, mommy-blogger. She loves cooking (and growing and brewing) traditional whole foods for her family of four. She is a Navy wife to a loving husband in the beautiful rolling hills of southern Indiana. She loves cloth diapers, Keurig coffee, line dried laundry, breastfeeding, cast iron pans, bible studies and sharing about all of these things!! Find her blogging at Christian Mommy Blogger. You can also see updates, quick tips, and other inside scoops by liking her on Facebook, or by following her on Twitter (@ChristMomBlog).

Which of these steps would help your grow your marriage?

Today, we have a guest post from Alina of Good Old Days Farm.

Has your husband ever done something that made you think, “This is it. He has fully, completely lost his mind!” Mine did.

Back in 2010, my husband was a software engineer. We wanted to raise our children in the country, so we had moved to a tiny town north of Dallas. He would drive 75 minutes to work every morning and 75 minutes home every night supporting us while I stayed home with our three young children. This meant that he would leave the house at 5 am and come home around 9 pm in order to beat the traffic.

It also meant that he left so early and came home so late that sometimes several days would go by when he only saw the children as he tiptoed into their rooms to kiss their already-sleeping heads goodnight. Sometimes they didn’t see their Daddy for days on end. It was a sacrifice, but he was doing what it took to support his family. A good, steady, dependable man.

So it came as a complete shock when this good, steady, dependable man came home one night and said, “Alina Joy, you all live in the country. I live in the city, and I only sleep in the country. I’m going to quit my job and become a farmer.”

Whoa! You’re kidding right? I mean, wait just a minute here! Farmers don’t make any money. Software engineers make lots of money. This is too stupid to be funny!

Now, I know we’re in the middle of the Surrendered Marriage Challenge here at Intentional By Grace, so, I would really like to tell you that I sweetly said, “Honey, if the Lord is leading you to become a farmer, that is perfectly alright with me.” Yes, that is what I would like to tell you I said, but that wouldn’t be true. In honor of the whatsoever-things-are-lovely-think-on-these-things-verse, I will only tell you that there was a serious crisis at the Dubois house that night. I remember saying things like, “crazy!” … “insane!” … “Normal People don’t do this!” … “We’re all going to starve to death!” … “Have you lost your mind?!”

I was already a surrendered wife – as long as things went my way. Surely, the Lord would understand how crazy this idea was. He wouldn’t expect me to surrender to this, right?

Ladies, let me tell you…. Yes, we took a huge pay cut. Yes, over the next 2 years we suffered a serious drought and the only thing our farm actually produced was a nifty little blog! Yes, it was a huge adjustment to go from having a husband who was hardly ever home to having a husband who was always home. And yes, it has been so worth it!

It’s been worth it, but it hasn’t been easy.

I have had to ask God to help me see my husband the way God sees my husband.

I have had to stop praying, “Lord, change him” and start praying, “Lord, change me and my responses.”

I have had to learn that my imperfect timing (“right now!”) doesn’t give the Holy Spirit the opportunity to work in His perfect timing.

I have learned that taking my problems to others changes nothing. Taking my problems to God changes everything.

I have learned that Lord is just waiting to bless me, even when I don’t deserve it. When I am at the end of my rope is when he pours those blessings out most abundantly and in the most surprising ways.

I have learned that God is blessing me, whether I see it or not. Being happy is a choice. Do I choose to foster a spirit of contentment or a spirit of discontent?

One of the first days after my husband began farming we were all outside. Our children were 5, 3 and 1 years old. We spent the day together working to get the gardens in. Even the children had hoes and shovels and were doing their best to “help.” Still not convinced that this whole farming-thing was a good idea, at the end of the day I had to admit to myself that it had been a good day. “Wow!” I thought to myself. “This really is nice. One day we’ll look back and say, ‘Remember when the children were little and we were all home working together? That was so nice. Those were the good old days…’” Then it hit me! We are living the “good old days” right now! Are we spending our time enjoying them or are we fussing because life isn’t perfect?

And so we named our farm “The Good Old Days Farm”… as a reminder that today is the gift we will be reminiscing about tomorrow.

What will you do to make today something worth remembering tomorrow (even when you think your hubby has gone off the deep end)?

Alina Joy Dubois is wife and mother to a vegan, gluten free family. The family moved out into the country and her husband recently quit a career in software to open the “Good Old Days Farm” in Blue Ridge, Texas. They grow fruit, vegetables and herbs, raise honeybees and make handcrafted soap. To follow the goings-on of the farm, please visit the Good Old Days Farm.

This post is linked to Time Warp-Wife.