This post is written by contributing writer, Sarah. Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah. My heart grieves with you.
I never really understood Amy Grant’s song, “Better than a Hallelujah.”
“We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah”
I wondered why would God prefer to hear our miseries and complaints. I didn’t understand that it wasn’t us complaining that God wanted to hear, but the fact that He wants to hear us turning to Him for comfort in our miseries. About two months ago, this realization hit home for me.
My husband and I had just absorbed the fact that we were going to have a baby, our first. I was 8 weeks along and scheduled for my first check-up, when something did not seem right. I started spotting. Everyone tried to comfort me with the fact that a lot of women spot during pregnancy and that surely I must be fine.
Deep down, though, I knew I was not one of those women, and that I was losing my baby here on this Earth. The morning that I lost my child, I fell to my knees and through my tears sang the worst rendition of Matt Redman’s “10,000 Reasons” I’m sure God or man has ever heard, but I hope that, to God, it was better than a hallelujah. I knew that I would not make it through the grief that was to follow without the comfort of my heavenly Father. I needed to remind myself that it was not God’s or my fault that I had lost this child, so I sang and prayed and cried in my Lord’s arms.
After the initial shock, grief will come. And it is a grief like any other grief over the loss of life. You will try to deny that it really happened, and feel that it must have been a mistake. You will feel anger and depression, and want nothing more than to detach yourself from others and the loss you are feeling. You may even argue with God or feel guilt, thinking that it was something you did wrong. But a miscarriage is never your fault or God’s. A miscarriage is something that just happens, and it is OK to grieve. <–Tweet This!
People will not understand your grief unless they have experienced a miscarriage themselves. And they will probably say some things that are hurtful, even though they think they are helping. Things like…
“You can still have other children, you’re young.”
“Your baby wasn’t developed correctly, so it’s a blessing.”
They are not trying to cause you more pain. They just don’t understand that, even though your child was never born, you still feel the same amount of loss that they would feel over losing their child that was born.
Even your husband may not understand your loss. Husbands, I know you like to fix things, but this is something you cannot fix. You probably did not develop as much of an attachment as your wife, either, especially if the miscarriage happened early. Even if you don’t understand why your wife is crying, comfort her and protect her from silly comments people make. Tell her you are there to listen and hold her. If she doesn’t want to talk, then don’t. Realize that your wife is not crying over the loss of having a baby, she is crying over the loss of not having that baby.
Friends, just let your friend know that it is OK to mourn for months if need be. Let her know that you are sorry for her loss and that you will pray for them…and then do it. The family will need all the prayers you can give them.
Mothers who have lost their children, whether it is before or after birth – it is OK to grieve for a time here on Earth, but there is also hope for us. Our God is one that will always go before us.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
He is a God that not only sympathizes with our loss but He is a God that can empathize with us. Our Lord lost His own child to death as well, and He lost His child to save us.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV
Because Christ died for our sins, we can be a part of heaven where we will no longer have to mourn the loss of a loved one.
17 “See, I will create new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.
18 But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.
19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.
20 “Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, Isaiah 17-20 NIV
I am sorry for those of you that have suffered from the loss of a child. I grieve with you. Even now I struggle to rejoice with happy couples who are having a baby without feeling pain. I struggle with moments of silence and stillness when thoughts of what my husband and I won’t have creep in. But I know that God is there for me in my moments of pain, and He will be there for you as well. I will pray for your healing; please pray for mine.
For further reading, I found great comfort in this article by Focus on the Family: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/downloads/heartlink/pdf//permissiontogrieve.pdf