This post is written by contributing writer, Brenda from Triple Braided.
The thought first entered my mind two weeks after the wedding.
I sat on the edge of the bed in the Extended Stay hotel and wished I was Dorothy. Three clicks of my heels just might deliver me back into the one-bedroom apartment I lived in three weeks earlier.
In one month we had gotten married, moved to a new state for the first time – ever – for both of us, bought a house, sold a house, and were starting new jobs.
Now we were living in an Extended Stay as we waited to move, and we were also having our first fight – over coffee, of all things.
I made a mistake. I chose poorly. I married the wrong person.
These were the thoughts running through my head. But now I was married. There was no do-over this time.
That was the first time I grasped how hard this marriage thing was going to be.
I used to think I was a bad person to think such things. How could a new bride feel this way already? Then my pastor said something that made me feel a little more normal. He said, “If you haven’t yet wondered if you’ve married the wrong person, then you haven’t been married for longer than a week.” This confirmed that I wasn’t the only one. Even the most godly have wondered if they married the wrong person.
If married couples are honest, I think most have had this thought before.
For me that was the first time, but it wasn’t the last.
However, I have learned to capture this thought before it turns into an ugly thought that causes ugly reactions. I began to recognize the enemy’s scheme to use this thought to draw me away from God’s truth and create a foothold of discontentment in my marriage.
Sometimes I believe the lie that if I did everything right, made all the right choices, if I were perfect, then my life would be just as I want it to be – perfect. I must be the cause of any adversity in my life.
Then I remember Job.
In the Bible, Job was a faithful man of God. Yet, despite his faithfulness, God allowed Satan to test him by taking all of his possessions, his family, and even his health.
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
This is the truth that I hold onto when thoughts that I married the wrong person come into my mind.
See, even though there are consequences for sin, I do not control all of the workings of my life. I don’t control other people. I don’t control some of my circumstances. And I don’t control God’s ultimate will and purpose.
Believing otherwise – that I can make perfect choices and have a perfect life – is a form of pride.
I also remember that my job is to honor God above all else. I am to honor God with my words, with my actions, and with my attitude. By focusing on honoring Him, I take the burden of a perfect outcome off of myself.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
So, friends, when you feel like you’ve married the wrong person, remember Job and remember who you are made to honor. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, so there is no telling the reasons for the circumstances He allows. But there is a reason. A reason that affects eternity and is good.
Let’s encourage each other! Share whether you’ve had this thought before and how you seek to overcome it before it becomes a foothold of discontentment.
** We know that every situation and marriage relationship is different. If you find yourself in a situation that is not healthy or safe, please get the help you need from a pastor or counselor.
Image courtesy of arztsamui/FreeDigitalPhotos.
About Brenda
{HUGS} to you, Brenda. Thank you for being so vulnerable and raw here to encourage others. the enemy is pretty good at his job, isn’t he. he sure doesn’t like to see thriving marriages. something none of us should take for granted…thank you for reminding me it all starts by honoring God!
Nikki recently posted..(in)couraging Homeschool Mamas
Thank you, Nikki!! You are so right. I need to be more aware of his schemes. Thank you for stopping by and commenting!!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Are You Too Introverted for Community?
What a great article. I had to face the fact that my husband had surely thought the same. I had to remember that we had a covenant marriage, that God had a purpose for our marriage and that I was not perfect. Now we are approaching our 20 year anniversary and it’s been a tremendous blessing. It’s not easy but this is not heaven! Great post. Thank you for sharing.
Christine, 20 years!! That is wonderful! I know you have so much wisdom! You’re right, we must remember that it’s a covenant!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Are You Too Introverted for Community?
Oh yeah, you’re not the only one to have this thought!
Thank you for your insight and encouragement. Marriage is tough at times; putting two people into close quarters is bound to result in some friction. Yet we grow stronger – as people and in our relationship – as we work through those things, trusting God in our lives. I love the verses you highlighted here; thanks for sharing!
Bonnie Way recently posted..Patron Saints of Pregnancy and Childbirth
Bonnie, thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one!! Marriage has helped to sanctify me in a way that nothing else ever has!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Are You Too Introverted for Community?
i think my perspective is we all marry the “wrong” person… because we are looking for a perfect superhuman that doesn’t exist. love is a choice, not something we “fall” in and out of. i appreciate that you wrote this because there is a deception among many many believers that the notion of marrying the wrong person is grounds for divorce.
charis recently posted..6 tips for developing a life in God as a couple
Charis, this is so true! We are looking for a superhuman – someone to fill us in a way that only Jesus can. Thank you for your wisdom. And no, marrying the wrong person is not grounds for divorce. If so, I’d end up divorced a lot because I have a feeling I’d think each person was “the wrong person” at some point!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Are You Too Introverted for Community?
Wow…I’ve thought this many times in my 6yr marriage, especially during the first month when I realized marriage was work. However I’ve come to realize that my husband and I are just sinners saved by grace and love is an action not a feeling. I need to make an active choice to love and honor God through loving and honoring my husband. Its been difficult at times, but nothing even remotely as rewarding as knowing that the Lord truly put us together and we will honor that commitment to Him and each other. Thank you for your honesty. I was greatly blessed by your post.
Tiff, isn’t that first month hard?? It was for me too! Marriage is work! But it grows us so much! Thank you for your comments!!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Are You Too Introverted for Community?
That’s such an important thought to share with others. I’m not yet married, yet it’s a wonderful reminder. I can still remember a young, newly married woman sharing a very similar thought with me and a few other teenage girls. We were wide-eyed girls with ideas of romance that were Disneyesque. She told this impressionable group of teenagers that there were times when she looked at her husband and wondered, Who is this man? She also wondered if she had made a mistake. That’s stuck with me for more than 30 years. I think it’s important to share that with young ladies.
Kristi, yes, it is such an important lesson to share with young women.
Thank you for commenting!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Brave is the Woman Who Bears Her Unplanned Baby {Five Minute Friday}
Wow! I was just thinking yesterday that I was fed up with being married! Definitely have had these thoughts, but know without a doubt that I married the right person and followed God’s will… just not always content in the situations marriage brings
Thanks for this encouragement!
Anna Radchenko @ Here Am I recently posted..Our Love Story – Part 2: Meeting
What a lovely post. Life in general is so difficult, and I think, at times, it’s made even more so by the amount of “perfection” that is protrayed via social media, tv, movies, internet, etc. It’s refreshing to hear your honesty. More than once, I’ve looked at my husband and thought, ” ’til death do us part is going to be a long time!” But at the end of the day, we (usually) have a wonderful relationship that I would never give up. Thank you for your inspiring words.
This made me laugh. Yes it will be a long time!
I would be lying if I said I could never relate! Marriage isn’t easy, but as we submit to HIS process it works into us a far greater appreciation of grace, understanding and true love.
Thanks for sharing
I have been married for 8 months and I feel this way often.
My wife and I are different people who share a common faith. I didn’t think much of our differences because I was caught up in the early relationship warm fuzzies.
Although my wife communicates that she loves me, I have felt unloved at several points in our marriage.
My wife has gained weight – to the point where clothes don’t fit the way they used to. She has a relatively good diet, but consistency is her struggle. The fact that consistency is a struggle for her bothers me because I feel like she doesn’t view her body as one that also belongs to me.
Another complicating issue is the fact that i’m built like a magazine model. These are my wife’s words and objective truth…but objective truth that i didn’t see until recently. As i’m realizing this about myself, i’m also realizing that my wife is very far away from where I am and she doesn’t have the drive necessary to get into great shape…and we haven’t had kids yet. A life of ALWAYS watching what I eat and working out intensely has been normal for me for the past 10 years.
I’ve heard people ask questions like “how did he end up with THAT?” while we’ve been on vacations…and it hurts me. It doesn’t encourage me to believe that I made a wise decision in picking my wife. The times when i’m most tempted to discouragement are the times when i am aware of her faults (i’m sure this is news to no one).
I am encouraged to know that my decision was one that I made before the Lord and that my love for my wife is to reflect Christ’s steadfast love for his imperfect bride. I feel weak in my battle, but my prayer has been for the Lord to give me strength. It has been for the Lord to help me to be less superficial. It has been for the Lord to help me to love my wife as I should. It has been for the Lord to increase the romantic fire in our marriage.
In all these things, I continue to pursue and encourage my wife. Can’t believe that i’m here after 8 months – but i’m here.
My only advice would be to seek Godly Christian counseling and mentoring by a fellow man – maybe a pastor or someone from a men’s Bible study or prayer group. Pray that God gives you a guy friend to encourage you and lead you spiritually and someone who can help you work through these thoughts.
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Brave is the Woman Who Bears Her Unplanned Baby {Five Minute Friday}
I read your blog and some of the stories and I wish that was the case for me. I got married in January and that same weekend my husband turned into a different person. He has been emotionally abusive. I grew up in an abusive home and know what it feels and looks like but in this case, I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to admit to myself nor him that his behavior is abusive. Several weeks ago, I brought it up in front of our mentors and gave him examples of what he said/did. His reaction shows no remorse but instead he told me to “stop acting like a victim”. This man is supposed to be a man of God, an example for my boys. I prayed and prayed and I fasted for five days and a week ago, I moved out. He is now begging and crying to go to counseling in our church. As much as I dont want a divorce and I know God hates it. However, I also know that it is not God’s will for my life for my husband to ask for me divorce over and over again when he gets angry. For my husband to tell me marrying me was a mistake. For my husband to criticize my body ( I am 5.6 and weight 133) but he wants me to be more muscular and a flatter belly. He controlled what I eat and how I speak. He tells me he loves but he cant seem to understand why I dont believe him. And in case you wonder, why did she marry him, did she not see the signs? No, I didn’t know, I knew he could be selfish at times but I didn’t see the abusive tendencies. So now my focus is on the Lord, my boys, and my career.
Oh my. I am praying for you tonight. I am not qualified to give advice in such serious circumstances. All I can say is that I would be deep in Christian counseling even by myself. It’s hard to sort through these thoughts and experiences alone (Ecc. 4:12). And be in the Word every. single. day. Don’t let a day go by that you are not reading your Bible. You have to be filled with Truth. Lifting you up in prayer.
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Brave is the Woman Who Bears Her Unplanned Baby {Five Minute Friday}
Oh my. I am praying for you tonight. I am not qualified to give advice in such serious circumstances. All I can say is that I would be deep in Christian counseling even by myself. It’s hard to sort through these thoughts and experiences alone (Ecc. 4:12). And be in the Word every. single. day. Don’t let a day go by that you are not reading your Bible. You have to be filled with Truth. Lifting you up in prayer.
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Brave is the Woman Who Bears Her Unplanned Baby {Five Minute Friday}