My eyes groggily opened to the sound of a little boy’s voice curling around the bedroom door. I knew he would reach my bed in a few, short seconds, but the thought of greeting him joyfully was far from my mind. My bones ached from a long day and my mind swarmed with all the tasks left undone. I just needed five more minutes. But unlike the alarm clock of my youth, there is no snooze button on a toddler ready to face the day.
I managed to convince my little one to play with his train for five minutes so mommy could get a shower. The water was cold and the boy cried, quickly abandoning his post as a chu-chu instructor. He wanted Mommy, but Mommy was busy and completely uninterested in playing tackle. She just needed five minutes.
And so our day began.
Today, I came smack dab face-to-face with my total lack of discipline these last few weeks. I’ve not been getting out of bed to do a quiet time. I’ve stayed up far too late frittering my time away. I’ve been rushing from here to there and attempting to manage my schedule in my own strength. All of this left me spiritually dry, physically tired, and overly taxed.
The toddler rebelled because he was sick of the words “no,” “not now,” or “maybe later.” Since when did I cease being a “yes mom?” Since when would I rather clean the kitchen than play chu-chu? Quite frankly? Today? I was so sick of throwing balls, playing chu-chu, and wrestling on the floor, I decided to curl up in a ball and cry like an infant child. I didn’t want to be touched anymore. I didn’t want to deal with another tantrum. I didn’t want to see another tear fall down a baby’s cheeks. I was weary, tired, and so completely over it.
We made it to nap time, and mama got on her knees. I didn’t know what to say. Where does one start when your sins are so many? So I just knelt there, face to the ground. I didn’t cry. I didn’t speak. I just knelt. I just needed five minutes.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the the throne of God. ~Hebrews 12:1-2 {my emphasis added}
These words were balm to my heavy soul. Words every mother can use every now and then when she loses the big picture of motherhood. All of the sinful impatience, proud arrogance, and angry words were covered by the blood of Jesus. Completely and totally covered without an inkling of wrath left for me. By my faith in my Christ, I am forgiven, and it is by this faith that I can look to Him and rely on Him to perfect my faith.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. ~Hebrews 12:3 {my emphasis added}
Comfort in His discomfort. Rest in His endurance. Peace in His encounter with hostility.
Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. ~Hebrews 12:12 {my emphasis added}
Strength in His mercy. Power in my weakness. Faith to the faithless. Healing for the broken.
I rolled over from my knees and closed my eyes. I drifted off to sleep long enough to recover from my emotional roller coaster. With my blinders removed, the guilt shed, and grace accepted, I began the day all over again.
My boy arose from his nap ready to engage with Mommy, and Mommy arose from her sin ready to extend grace and joy to her son because she had tasted forgiveness.
Are you weary? Are you broken? Do you have no idea what to say? You’re not alone. Even in our silence the Holy Spirit is at work. Surrender to Him. Lay it all at His feet. Start a new. Just take five minutes.
About Leigh Ann
Ah-men. I came to that this morning. Just sat, in the quiet, with some tears, writing my heart on paper to the LORD. Why are you downcast, O my soul? The pressures of life overwhelming instead of God’s word leading. Thank you for this, I’m not alone and I’m glad we’ve both come to terms with what the problem is!
Lauren recently posted..Count It ALL Joy
I like how you said, “the pressure of life overwhelming instead of God’s word leading.” So very true!
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..How I Manage Being a Work at Home Mom {Motherhood Series}
Yesterday morning was like that for me too. I wasn’t in tears, but tired, frustrated, unmotivated, joyless. I started to work on memorizing Philippians 4: 6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Then, the peace that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Scripture memorization is a great tool to help focus me on God — a cup of coffee and a long phone conversation with my mom didn’t hurt either
Elizabeth Anne May recently posted..Pray, Play, Be Faithful
Yes, I agree! Scripture memory is a great tool!
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..I Just Need Five Minutes
This is SO beautifully written! It’s been a long time but I remember the regret at wasting the evening and not getting enough rest for the next day. Bless you. You sure knew where to turn, didn’t you?
Janice C. Johnson recently posted..Not Your Ordinary Bike Ride
Thanks, Janice! So thankful for God’s grace!
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..I Just Need Five Minutes
Amen. So well written. I remember those days with young ones. I miss those days even the LONG ones. They grow up much to quick.
The days are long, but the years are short. I keep reminding myself of that!
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..I Just Need Five Minutes
I am so grateful for your willingness to be vulnerable and share this!! It was really convicting … I feel like I’ve been running away from quiet times and “soaking” in the Lord’s presence telling myself (and my son) “in just a few minutes mommy will be ready” … but then time marches on and I’m not engaging with my toddler OR with my Lord! It is so cleansing to confess, accept forgiveness, and reshift priorities to what is first in HIS eyes, not mine. Thank you!
Tracey M recently posted..Thanksgiving Blessings
You are certainly not alone! Thanks for sharing. I pray for more grace for us to change!
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..I Just Need Five Minutes
Thank you so much for writing this post, Leigh Ann! I’ve seen the truth of what you shared in my life so often! Somehow we think we can run on spiritual fumes.
I’ve missed your voice on here, this open-souled, transparent, overt sharing of your experience of God’s grace – extending it to us so we can take it and pass it on; the cloud of witnesses now – passing the baton. It’s what drew me to your blog originally. I’ve missed it; and I’m blessed today. 
Thanks, Cheryl! I am coming back. Things have been so crazy lately and a lot of time spent behind the scenes. Thank you for the reminder to stay faithful. I have several more posts of MY OWN quad for the coming weeks. It feels good to write again. It’s easy to get bogged down in the administrative stuff! I needed your kind words.
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..I Just Need Five Minutes
Oh dear, not “quad”…. QUED.
This post resonated with me so much today. I think it’s so easy to walk out into a spiritual wasteland as mothers. And the myth of the ‘do-it-all’ mom sometimes makes us feel like we shouldn’t need to turn to anyone because we should be able to handle anything on our own.
We’ve had a few rough nights in our house – the baby isn’t sleeping well, and so mama isn’t getting enough sleep to feel like she can function. I found myself reacting too often and praying for forgiveness afterwards. Your post reminds me to prepare my heart and seek God FIRST so that my weary soul is better able to handle what motherhood tosses my way.
Carlie V. recently posted..A Memo to the Management – 7-month Review
I’m so glad you found a great reminder here today. I know it’s so hard, and I like how you said: ” I think it’s so easy to walk out into a spiritual wasteland as mothers. ” So true!
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..I Just Need Five Minutes
What a powerful testimony! So vulnerable yet something I relate to completely. I need to somehow turn the key and stop hiding from everyone in my busyness. Have been through hard time recently and need so much to come before God again. Somehow seems so hard though. Would love to be more available to family again. Bless you for your courage in sharing.
Mel Caldicott recently posted..No Matter What
Mel, I’m glad you found this helpful. I know what’s it like to hide. I’ve been there. The first step is always the hardest. Praying for you right now.
Leigh Ann recently posted..A Reminder to the Mothers
This sounds like my house recently… I’ve been tired and the girls have wanted to do things that I haven’t felt like doing (crafts, reading, baking). Thank you for sharing.
Bonnie Way recently posted..EverlyGrey Maternity {Review}
Glad I’m not alone – both in the problem and the solution.
GREAT reminder Leigh Ann!! Thank you!!
Jami Leigh recently posted..7 Reasons We Are Starting a Family Young
Thanks, Jami!
This is FANTASTIC! Thanks so much for this, I really needed it today.
Athena @ Life’s Abundant Adventures recently posted..Amazing Chocolate Cake With Peanut Butter Frosting
So glad to hear! Thank you, Athena!
This is beautiful Leigh Ann. Simply beautiful! I have been running around chasing my tail and I need to just be still and let the Lord direct me! I need to repent from my selfish tired ways and get back to some discipline. God is not a God of chaos and my life is totally chaotic!
Thanks for your encouraging and inspiring words!
If I had a dollar for every day I’ve felt this way…..I think I could pay off my house. But it’s those tough days that teach me what the grace of God really is. They teach me humility (I don’t like learning humility). God uses those days to remind me of how weak I am so that I can know how strong He is.
Amy recently posted..A Little Too Clutter-Free
I loved this…your morning sounds like…well…every morning around here. My two year old has been on a waking-up-early schedule. I swear every single time I set my alarm early to get up and read my Bible he wakes up before the alarm or just as I’m making my coffee. It’s so frustrating and I think the devil does it just to get me. To wake up earlier would mean before 5am which I just physically can’t handle.
I realized today that I’ve been saying no far more than yes and haven’t had much one on one time with him the last few days because I’ve been busy with errands and Christmas and this and that and blah blah blah. I’m hoping that tomorrow we can get some more one on one playtime. *sigh*
Grace…
Aprille recently posted..When “choosing joy” becomes selfishness
Aprille, it can be so frustrating. I totally agree. We recently got Sam an alarm clock that shows a bunny sleeping when it’s time to sleep and a bunny running around on a sunny day when it’s time to get up. We’re in the process of training him to look at his clock before he comes out. We’re hopeful this will buy us some time!
But there is grace for this season. Maybe put him in his high chair/at the table with you and read your devotional aloud. Give him a book to read, or coloring, or play dough…just something to occupy him for a few minutes. He probably won’t be still mouse silent, but you could at least get a few verses read to meditate on?! Just a thought I’ve been pondering!
I’ve heard about that alarm clock but I’m hesitant to spend the money because some of those “awesome” things just end up getting ignored and I’m not sure if he would understand the concept. This morning he was in my room at 4:50 and I couldn’t get him back to bed (although I tried until about 6!)
But I have been doing more reading and alone time while he’s watching TV or napping instead of getting on FB. The other night I was about to lose it so I put him in the playyard WITHOUT THE TV ON and went in the bedroom to read for 10 minutes. He survived.
Aprille recently posted..The Myth of the Construction Paper Heart
They usually do survive.
I’m glad you got a few minutes! And I’m sure it’s a stage we are in. We have good days and bad days with him getting up. Two nights ago, he got up and down no less than 20 times. I got tired and just put him bed with me (daddy was away). Then, last night he came in and crawled in my bed at 4am. So it’s a phase…I’m hoping. I’m trying to enjoy it because I know in 10 years, he won’t be snuggling in the bed with me. haha!
That’s true. I’m experimenting with locking the door and letting him cry it out it he wakes up before 7. Two out of the last 3 mornings he has woken up in the 6am hour but cried himself back to sleep (or at least back to quiet!) in about 5 minutes, then slept (or remained quiet) til about 0730!!! But the other morning out of the three he was still screaming so I only let that go on about 15 minutes. But those two morning that I got to “sleep in” made a huge difference i’m telling you! I’m hoping that this phase ends soon and we can get him to like a 7am wakeup consistently so that then I can get up before him (I love the idea, it just can’t happen when he’s waking up so early!)
Thanks so much for the encouragement. With so many mommy bloggers talking about waking before their kids to who magically wake up at 7, it’s nice to know that my kid isn’t completely abnormal.
Aprille recently posted..When I’m not enough to be a good mother