This post is part of our motherhood series. You can see all the posts here.
As I squinted across the blanket of white stretching as far as my eyes could see, I wondered if this place would ever feel like home. As we drove around the snow covered peaks, flip flops long forgotten at home, we tested one house after the other to see if it fit as tightly as the mittens warming our hands.
A few short weeks later, standing in the driveway, surrounded by the Tennessee River on three sides, we loaded our Suburban and hooked up our fishing boat for the 1,500 mile trek across the country. With the truck doors flung open, one foot on the guard rail, I took one last look at the land I had called home for almost a decade, one-third of my life, and said, “I will miss you.”
One week and many miles later, I lay nestled on a blow up mattress in our master suite crying my way through a migraine and extreme car sickness. I wallowed in the self pity of moving so far from home and sordidly welcomed myself to Colorado.
Thus began our journey of acclimating to not just a new climate, but a new culture, a new way of life, a new home far from the home I had known all my life. We left everything familiar, everything comfortable, because God called our name. God wrote in the testament of our lives to rise, go, and follow Him.
Yet, the question plagued me:
How will I ever make friends and find community when all I do is stay home with my baby all day?
On July 11, 2012 I wrote the following in my journal (four months after arriving in our new home):
Oh how I long for friends, but fear being vulnerable. Having a toddler certainly makes it harder to meet people and develop relationships. Of course, I have no regrets about being a stay at home mom, nor do I harbor an ounce of bitterness toward my baby, because being a mom is one of my greatest joys. It is a gift and a blessing! Yet, I long for friendships. I’m lonely.
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. ~Romans 5:6
Pull me out of my fatness and need for comfort and ease. Give me eyes to see Your will.
I was so tired of waiting for 5 o’clock to get here so I’d have another adult to talk to. I was so tired of wondering if we’d ever have friends. I was so tired of going to the park by myself. I was so tired of waiting on the Lord to supply friendships and fellowship in one of the most un-churched towns in Colorado. I was so tired and so lonely.
In her book, Beyond Bath Time: Embracing Motherhood as a Sacred Role
Certainly, pastors can preach about motherhood; Sunday school teachers can teach about it; and the church can voice support for the hard work Christian moms do. But the real strength and courage necessary to mother are found in the unique bonds of Christian sisterhood (page 117).
So how does a lonely stay at home mom without community do it? How does she find this Christian sisterhood?
1. Grace
This year has been a year of incredible refinement. As I reflected on this journey of friendships in a new town, I could not help but see just how different I am now than when I moved here over seven months ago. I never knew what it meant to rest in the grace of God until I had walked through the fire of having no where else to turn but Him.
It was through this waiting period that I found Him to be my El Shaddai – The All-Sufficient One.
2. Find a church to call home
Go where God’s people are and seek fellowship. I’m an introvert, but I know the importance of fellowship so I scan the weekly bulletin for fellowship opportunities. We recently signed up to host monthly dinners for our Young Couples’ Ministry. I have found that I’m more comfortable in my own home, so inviting people to me is an ideal way for me to get to know someone!
3. Find a moms’ group
Finding a local moms’ group is a great way to get started making friends. I attended the weekly play dates with our local MOPS group over the summer. I met so many sweet women and really developed a lot of great friendships because of it.
Mom groups to check out:
Another great way to find other mommies is to search Facebook groups! You’ll be amazed what you find there! And just because you attend one church doesn’t mean you can’t join up with another church’s group for Bible Study or events. Think outside the box!
4. Start a moms’ group
If there isn’t a moms’ group in your area, then start one. You don’t have to do a nationally known group, but just start with inviting a group of women to your home, or to the play ground, or for coffee after the school zone drop is complete! Don’t be afraid to reach out. I guarantee, you aren’t alone in needing fellowship.
5. Join a few classes
My son and I make it a weekly outing to hit up the library for story time. I met a few women this way when we first moved here, and it’s fun to see familiar faces and share in your children’s inability to sit still on a cushion for 30 minutes. The added bonus? It’s free!
We also have plans to take gymnastics and music class in the winter, which I’m really looking forward to!
Being a stay at home mom in a new community doesn’t have to be lonely. You just have to step outside your comfort zone (if you’re anything like me) and reach out to someone. To quote Mrs. Davis again from Beyond Bath Time
Moms, we need each other. We need support when our energy, resources, and patience are sagging. We need encouragement to treat motherhood as a mission field. We need other moms to pray with and for us. We need to recognize that sisterhood is powerful and to live and to live out God’s truth even when it’s countercultural (page 123).
So friends, if you’re lonely as a stay at home mom, you need not be! Take a leap of faith and seek the fellowship of other women. Don’t stay in your house. Get out and get active, or invite them to you. I guarantee you are not alone in your longing for friendship. God created us for community. Seek it and pray for it! Don’t let loneliness be an excuse to work outside the home. Create opportunities and pray for grace upon grace!
What ways have you found to create community as a stay at home mom?
About Leigh Ann
It seems you have written this just for me! I have struggled with this for a long time – the lonliness that can come with being a stay at home mom. I love what you wrote: I never knew what it meant to rest in the grace of God until I had walked through the fire of having no where else to turn but Him. He is teaching me now to rely soley on Him – and to wait for His timing when He will reveal His purpose for me.
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Oh, Stephanie! I’m so glad you know you’re not alone. It’s so hard when you’re in the middle of loneliness to trust in God’s gracious providence! Some days, I am so far from wanting to get out and about because I’m just exhausted, but I’ve learned I have to push through. I try to get out with other moms at least once a week, even if it’s just 30 minutes at the library. I can always tell when I fail to take that step. But some weeks, it’s been just so hard and lonely, but God has proved himself faithful time and time again!
Annie has recently started attending the library classes and I agree – they’re great!
But, we’re only a text away!!
I hate that you moved so far away, but I’m so glad to know you’re doing better. We miss you in the East.
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I don’t know what we’d do without text messages!!!
Great encouragement for moms who move to unfamiliar settings! When we moved to TN, the 2nd week I started a mom’s group and although our circumstances now have made it where I can’t be a part of it (work, moved to another town) I know it was a need for so many mothers and the group is still thriving today! I also love to go to MOPS and looking to your church is always something to do or even start something at your church. This post will encourage so many moms Leigh Ann!
Thank you, Rachel! I’m so grateful for mom groups!
As a military wife we go through this every few years. I have written about this topic on my blog, and have also talked about all the ideas you have above! MOPS was a good one by the way!
I also would add Facebook is a great way to find friends in your area at least for military bases, we can search out the base we are at and find groups on Facebook and I am sure there are ones for other cities as well. Great post! 
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Yes, Facebook is a great way to find local mommies! I’ve used this a few times since moving here! So grateful for the Internet!
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Wow, could this be anymore for me? I recently got married in August… and became the mommy of three beautiful blessings that lost their momma unexpectledly several years ago. One week later, I moved from my home, where i had lived all but my college years, and moved to SC. My husband is the deacon of a small church plant, and so community there is small. This was so encouraging to me that I am not alone! I joined a bible study on thursday mornings called Bible Study Fellowship- still no deep friendships, but people that are praying for me! I have also joined up with sisters (LIKE YOU!) in this online community and have found so much encouragement- and have even begun my own blog and such. Thank you for writing this. God used you in a big way in my heart this lonely afternoon!
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Wow! What a testimony! You certainly have your life transition in full swing right now. I’ve found the deep relationships are certainly hard ones to make. It takes time, and sometimes it even takes lots of it. The hardest part is becoming vulnerable so others can find their way into our hearts! However, we are not alone! I’m so glad you found today’s post encouraging!
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Leigh Ann, love this! I have found myself here before myself. Thanks for this post. Sharing it here (www.facebook.com/#!/theplumbers31wife) and on twitter (@theplumberswife)
Thank you so much for sharing! I hope this post blesses many others!
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We moved three times in three years, so I could identify with this post. After our last move, I was hungry for community. I wanted to find moms to connect with. We’ve been here for two years now and I can say we’ve found community, but we still have to work on reaching out and building it. We are surrounded by great neighbours in the same stage of life as we are. We’ve found a great church group, with a mom’s group and a group for families. And there have been other opportunities to get involved and make friends. They all require stepping out, reaching out. But it’s worth it. Thanks for sharing!
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Girl, you KNOW living way out in rural Ireland I can relate!! We’ve been here nearly 4 years now and I feel like I’m STILL getting to know people. It is hard and exhausting. And amplified when there are few to none who share your love for the Saviour. It’s hard when your household is the only body of Christ you have access to regularly. You gave some awesome tips!!
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Oh, Jen, you definitely have great challenges! You know, where we live, there is a high rate of turnover. It’s a resort town so people rarely stay long. So, I imagine this will be a life long journey for me as well. Praying for you friend, and praising God for your willingness to lay down your life for Him!
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MOPS has made such a HUGE difference in my life and not feeling so isolated….that an PWOC which is an Army-wide ladies Bible study that meets weekly (very similar to MOPS aka they have childcare, but not solely for women with children). Joining those two groups has brought me more spiritual growth in the last two years than the last 6 years of church-going combined has. God has worked in amazing ways through these groups and I am NOT the same woman because of them. I always leave feeling blessed beyond measure!
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Love hearing this (that you have found community in MOPS and PWOC). Now the question is: how can we take this community to your church?
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Well, we have attending 2 different churches in our time at our current location, and have lately felt more and more lost there. The style of the two churches we have attending have been very traditional and conservative, right on doctrine and all the issues, but lacking in tender-loving-care, grace, acceptance, and fellowship. At least that’s how we have felt as of late. We are considering looking elsewhere and visited somewhere new (the church where I go to MOPS actually) this past Sunday. We aren’t going to be living at this location for too much longer, so considering a lateral church move is kind of not what we wanted to do, but we might even if it’s just for a few months…
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Aprille, I understand your dilemma. Before we made our move to Colorado, we changed churches. God had been unsettling us for quite sometime, but at the same time, we didn’t want to move churches when we knew we were about to move. However, the longer we stayed the more we were tempted to bitterness, not to mention we were seriously lacking in authentic community. Then, as we thought about God’s heart for us to live in community, we decided to just go ahead and change churches for the remaining 3 months we had in Tennessee. I cannot tell you how immensely blessed we were by this change. God moved in a mighty way immediately, and we can look back on our last few months in Tennessee with humble gratitude. God showed up and He grew bigger in our eyes. I would not replace that lateral move for anything in the world. God used it to prepare us for our move to Colorado, and we experienced a fellowship we had not experienced in a very long time. Just something to think about!
Thanks for sharing your story. We’ve gone twice to a different church in the area and my husband told me this morning after the service that we are going back next Sunday. It’s scary, but so encouraging!!! Longing for more community, that’s for sure!!
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Thanks for sharing! Such a timely reminder for me. I grew up in Texas & have lived here all but 2 years of my married life. We are moving on this Thursday to Boise, Idaho, where I not only know not a single soul, but are 7+ hours from the “closest” family. My kids are older (13, 9, & 6) and I still find it hard to meet other moms and make friends, as I am still a SAHM.
I’ve always lived 7+ hours from family (well, since I left for college!). So I totally understand. It has its challenges, but I’ve learned that it makes the time you do get together that much sweeter. In the meantime, I pray God provides “family” in Boise quickly!
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Leigh Ann – Thank you so much for posting this. I moved to a rural area in Ohio about 90 minutes south of Toledo twelve years ago…and I still don’t have friends. I have acquaintances, but no one I feel truly comfortable with to call on the phone just to chat. I’ve been attending church for a couple of years, but I am very introverted….well, let me rephrase that…socially inept. I’m probably known as the “:mom with the bad kids in church” since one of them always tends to throw a fit after the praise band finishes. (Last week was better, but that is another story).
What I currently yearn for is to “shoot the Spirit” with someone who is walking the path. It does get lonely when I am currently surrounded by people who are not in the same space as I am. My DH works almost six days a week to pay back our debts we incurred earlier in our marriage. I do work part time out of the home, but on those days when I am with my children, I do feel so isolated. I thought I was the only one who felt this way, so I appreciate this post more than you know.
Have a blessed day!
Marcella, you are certainly not alone! I have found the first step to be the hardest step. Not to mention, once you take that step it is a constant journey, a journey that is ordained by God for our good and to show His glory. I encourage you to pray for God to move in the women around you, as well as in your heart. I’m praying for courage for you to step out in faith. Sometimes it only takes one person “laying it all out there” for friendships to begin to forge. I have learned, in my short years, that often those who I think probably think I’m crazy … really just think they’re the crazy ones. We’re all afraid of being judged, sadly. But maybe take a leap of faith, with discernment, of course, and put your heart on the line with another woman? I think you’ll be surprised how relieved she is to know, she’s not alone. Praying for you!!
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Mercella,
I feel your pain! I’ve been looking for other women at my church to “shoot the Spirit” (love that phrase) with too and have yet to find anyone. I would recommend that you join a group over at Good Morning Girls so that you can at least have some online friends to pray and read the bible with. You never know, you might find some women who are in your area. And since I’m pretty shy myself, I can tell you that making friends online is a bit easier and is a great way to learn how to approach new people offline as well.
Thank you, Victoria! I’ll check out that group this weekend.
We love Good Morning Girls! Great idea, Victoria. I’ve also participated in Hello Mornings with Kat from Inspired to Action. It’s another great way to connect with women online.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I know exactly how you feel and have tried most of the suggestions on your list without any real change. There have been a few women I’ve connected with, but sadly they have moved away. I’m incredibly lonely sometimes, but I try to remember that God knows exactly what my needs are. My biggest challenge in finding friends is simply that I’m often treated like an outsider because of my race. I can’t tell you how many women have completely ignored me even after I’ve tried to talking to them. I’m an introvert too, so this is hard for me. Your encouragement in this post has certainly helped me to continue trying.
Oh Victoria, this makes me sad to hear.
I live in a resort town, so I definitely understand the friends moving thing. We have families come in for a short season, sometimes as short as the summer or ski season. Then, they’re gone. It’s a very hard cycle, but pour into each one with all your heart. You will be immensely blessed by it. I have to remind myself of this often. It’s not easy because it’s not “permanent.” However, I think this is God’s will for us with each passing season. Hang in there!
I am a single Mom and I’m finding it very hard to make friends that share my values. It seems most single Moms are busy remaking themselves and getting back into the dating scene. The women I have things in common with spiritually are all wives and interested in making “couple friends “. I feel really left out most of the time. I’m lucky that I still get to stay home and work from home…but I do wish I had a close friend.
This blog post resonated with me. I feel isolated and lonely most of the time as a SAHM. I struggle because I don’t get to choose where to go to church, because my husband is the pastor. He’s also the pastor of three churches – churches I probably wouldn’t choose to attend under normal circumstances. It’s hard to make close friends when you’re the pastor’s wife and when appropriate boundaries need to be established. We also live in a very poor, very rural area…so going to civilization means about a 45-90 minute drive. Staying at home with my daughter has been rewarding but a challenge. I oftentimes feel like I have little to no support. My husband is gone most evenings and is usually busy when he’s at home since he has a job where he can’t really leave work at the office. Since I have struggled with depression before, I have sought the help of a Christian counselor in the past couple months. That’s been a tremendous help and I would totally recommend it to someone who really feels the walls closing in and are struggling with persistent gloom.
Oh, what a difficult position! Although I’m on the other side now, I know it’s hard.
But I did learn through my short trial that God is truly a wonderful friend who cares. I hope you find peace and comfort in your time of waiting for fellowship, and that you may find joy in the smiles of your babies. I know it’s hard. Hang in there!
I grew up moving a lot so I was pretty good at adapting to new places. It was different when I had my sons, I had to learn new ways to meet people. It has been many years since I was home with toddlers, and I’m going through a new transition now. For nearly 20 years my life revolved around my kids and the majority of our friends were parents of our sons friends. Now they are grown and many of those friends are less available because they are still involved in school and sports with other kids. I have found http://www.meetup.com to be an amazing resource to find people who share my hobbies or interests. I’ve connected with a wonderful group of people who ride bikes, gardeners, home cooks, canners and environmental advocates.
Thanks so much for the input. It’s always good to learn from someone who’s been there! It’s a constant journey through seasons. Each season brings its joys, but also its challenges. Meet Up sounds like a great place to find people.
This post just has me in floods of tears as it has made me realise how truly lonely I feel
I moved from the UK to Brisbane about 9 months ago with my husband and our now 2.5yo toddler. We didn’t know anyone in Brisbane so have had to start completely from scratch. Neither of us are particularly ‘sociable’, we are more family people and are quite introverted. Making an effort socially has never come easily but I have made a huge effort here, and gotten out and about as much as I can. I have met lots of mamas but I really struggle in moving from meeting new people, to building deeper friendships with them. I know it takes time, but sometimes I just feel so alone. It doesn’t help that I am now 9m pregnant (next baby due in 2 weeks!) so lately I haven’t been able to get out and about so much as it’s just been far too hot and I have been so pregnant. I feel I have been making such a huge effort over the last 9 months and yet I still don’t really have any close friendships . I have really stepped out of my comfort zone so many times and invited so many mums in to my home for playdates, but its hard getting invites back… I don’t know why… but part of it is I think that mums with toddlers already have such busy lives, that it is hard for them to fit in new friendships amongst existing ones and family commitments, etc. At the moment I have really scaled back my efforts to ‘get out there’, and focused more on being kind to myself and being at home with my daughter, because I found the constant effort I was putting in was just wearing me down further and I couldn’t be there for my daughter, or myself, in the way I wanted to. So for now I am just plodding along, focusing on my family and my imminent new arrival, but yes I do feel desparately lonely and long for a close friend I can share the journey with…
Oh how I have been there. Not in our current town, but in the one we left. I really don’t have the answer for the uphill battle. I think the truth remains that we must continue to seek God, laying it as His feet. My heart hurts for you because I know the raw emotions you’re feeling. And congrats on your new arrival! That should keep you busy for a while.
I pray the Lord would give you direction and comfort during this season! Hang in there, mama. He hasn’t forgotten you!
Oh man….this is so me. We moved back to the city where I grew up about 6 months ago. But I have no real friends. I have acquaintances and they all have their rhythm of life and it doesn’t include me. And so I pout. But I’m not a mom with a baby anymore and I found that that was easier~in the nursery at church, on the playground, dropping off for kindergarten….all great ways to meet other moms. Instead, here I am, a stay-at-home mom of 4 teenagers and I’m finding very few like me. It is so hard and so lonely. Thanks for this post….we’re not alone and yes, we need our sisterhood!
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I bet teenagers can be more difficult. I pray you find fellowship soon!!!
I’m a working mom and was in a similar situation for almost a year since my first was born. I finally found a way to connect with other moms by joining groups on http://www.meetup.com. I was hesistant at first because I wasn’t sure about just meeting up with a bunch of strangers, but now several of them have become some of my closest friends. I do still long for a Christian moms group that works with my schedule though. MOPS only meets on weekdays and so do the moms groups at my church. I tried starting a weekend one, but nobody came. My church is huge and is made up of members all over the city so it’s difficult to connect with others.
A ministry for working moms to connect is a great idea! Wheels spinning…