Out of no where, the words howled like the wind swirling around us, “Why don’t you just get a job?”
A thoughtless statement spoken by an ill informed adult. A thoughtless statement spoken to put me in my place. A thoughtless statement that hurt and forced me to gulp back the tears that threatened to burst forth.
For a second, I couldn’t respond. I was shocked, caught completely off-guard. The only words I could conjure up: “Good thing I have a job.” I wish I could tell you the conversation ended, but it didn’t. It never does. The person I was talking to viewed me as just a stay-at-home mom, and being a stay-at-home mom is not a job … apparently. This wasn’t my first conversation with an adult who had no idea what it means to be a stay-at-home mom … unfortunately.
So, to all my mom readers, in case you didn’t know:
You can apply to be a janitor at a community center, but don’t think cleaning your three bathrooms after basketball practice is a job.
You can apply to be a guidance counselor at the public high school nearby, but don’t think sitting on your teenagers bed listening to their woes and helping them apply to colleges around the world is a job.
You can sign on as a cook at a local restaurant chain, but don’t think putting 21 meals a week (plus snacks) on the table for your family is a job.
You can work at a day care up the block, but don’t think caring for your own children is a job.
You can decorate cakes at a bakery, but don’t think you’re holding a job if you bake cookies and cakes for your child’s birthday party.
You can be a nutritionist at the an adult living center, but don’t think taking charge of your family’s health is a job.
You can become a world-renowned interior designer, but don’t think having a beautifully decorated home is a job.
You can be a journalist for your city’s gazette, but don’t think chronicling your family’s life in a lined journal is a job.
You can be a chauffeur for a limousine, but don’t think carpooling your kid to and from school (and anywhere else they want to go) is a job.
You can go to beauty school and create beautiful hairstyles or be a barber, but if you cut your children’s hair (and hubby’s) don’t think it’s a job.
You can be a CEO of a company, but keep your finger on the pulse of your own home and you’re out of a job.
For each woman, the job is different. For some, it might be putting on the fancy pumps (I’m jealous), taking her kids to school, and arriving at the office just before the boss all while wearing banana (and sometimes boogers) on her skirt. For some, it’s bare feet, an apron, and herding a group of children to the library for toddler time and reading after naps. Both are jobs. Both require sacrifice and hard work. Both are worth saying “thank you” for. And both receive pay whether one receives a W-2 or not. If that’s what this job retort is really all about, it just looks different.
Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom, work-at-home mom, or a career mom, we all have jobs – important ones at that.
And for the record, can we stop saying I’m JUST a mom? We are moms. We are God’s children. We are loved, cherished, adored, and bought with a price. Let’s not make little of what God holds so dear. We’re moms, created to give life, and we have a job to do.
Has anyone ever questioned your “job” as a SAHM?
Shared atLet’s Hear it for the Boys, Homemaker’s Challenge, Encourage One Another, Women Living Well, Time Warp Wife, Works for Me, & Our Simple Country Life
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About Leigh Ann
Yes!! Daily, and my new job as a SAHM just began!
I feel the same push back. But the funny thing is – there’s push back for working outside the home and there’s push back for working inside the home. Sometimes I feel like women can’t win. The enemy has certainly created a spiraling mindset that our worth is from all things and people other than our God.
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Back to School in Peace :: Tips from the Teacher
Brenda, you are exactly right. My motive behind this post wasn’t to push one against the other. I long for women to follow God’s call on their lives no matter where their work is done each day. I think all women should have hearts oriented toward the home, but that doesn’t mean all women are meant to work at home all day. We’ve only to look at the Proverbs 31 woman to see this!! I pray sahms and work outside the home moms would be encouraged to ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER instead of pitting us against one another. For together, we can do so much more for the Gospel when we’re not fighting for our roles. :-/ my heart aches for mommies…
Leigh Ann recently posted..Why Don’t You Just Get a Job
Oh honey. I’m so sorry you had to endure this. I can’t stand it when people say things that undermine the value of my chosen lifestyle. I sometimes get “why don’t you just have your own kids?” when I talk about adoption, as if my sweet Ethiopian baby won’t be “my own” child! Heartbreaking. Anyways, don’t let it get you down. Being a SAHM is a beautiful, valuable job in the Lord’s eyes. Frankly, I’m jealous – I wish I could be a SAHM! Leave the rude comments to the birds, and know that your job is priceless.
Kimberly recently posted..One Month Waiting
Kimberly, I think we would endure this no matter our decisions. There will always be someone who disagrees and finds us crazy, right? And for your situation, I’m sorry too.
Your little baby will be awesome and loved and cared for like it’s no body’s business! I look forward to watching you step into your role and mommy!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Why Don’t You Just Get a Job
I think we are judged no matter what we do. Some people can’t understand why a woman would go to college “just” to be a stay-at-home mom and housewife. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world and I would venture to say it is one of the most important. What we do in our homes and the way we raise our children profoundly impacts future generations. We all need to do what we feel called to do. I love being at home with my kids. I constantly feel like I should be doing “more” to contribute financially, but I cannot put a price on seeing my two kids laughing and playing together in the middle of the day or holding my little girl when she’s ready for her nap. I can’t get those things back.
Joanie @ Simple Living Mama recently posted..Comment on Preparing for Baby’s Birth – Freezer Meals by Sarah @ My Joy-Filled Life
Joanie, you are exactly right. I have to say, I use my college degree every day! Managing a home is much like managing a business (and then I get to do that too with Butterfly Ministries, LLC)! I’m so grateful for my college education, and my husband reminds me often that it wasn’t a waste of our time or finances. I pray sahms and work outside the home moms would be encouraged to ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER. My heart truly aches for mommies no matter their “job description.” Even among women who are following God’s call on their lives do we find ourselves comparing one role to the other. I’ve never seen more clearly how the two cannot be compared. Both roles require so much sacrifice. I pray we can be united as women who seek to love God with all their hearts, souls, and minds!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Why Don’t You Just Get a Job
I have been asked this too and have often felt like I had to defend my choice to be a SAHM, I think most simply (who are not parents) do not know the joy of being with your kids each and every day. And now that I have been working, I do think I took for granted the time I did have with my kids, yes it was hard work but I think working moms also have it hard, they have to do everything SAHM’s do when they are not at the office, etc. Becoming a working mom has made me see the light at the other side of the tunnel, both jobs are extremely hard! If you are able to be a SAHM, it is such a blessing and so worth it!
I cannot wait to come back as a SAHM next month! Oh how I have missed it… you should see the laundry that needs to be done.
Rachel, I think you’ve had a unique opportunity to see both sides of the fence, and for that I’m grateful because I value your opinion and perspective. You know this.
But I do want to take a second and point something out that’s been on my heart for quite some time. I hear this often that a mom who works outside the home has to do a sahm’s job and more. I think this is misleading and if I may say so, not entirely true. I’m certainly not discounting what a mom who works outside the home has to do! I even mentioned it in the post that both roles are difficult and both roles require sacrifice (and both should be appreciated). But I do want to point out that we each have to sacrifice something. For a sahm, she sacrifices certain things that a mom who works out the home doesn’t (let’s take the bathroom as our example…a sahm never goes to bathroom alone, ha!). For a mom who works outside the home, she sacrifices other things (time with her kids for example). But to say that each does all of what the other does and more is wrong, I think, and only continues to pit one role against the other, even among women. Mom’s who work outside the home do A LOT!!!! There is a stamina and perseverance and sacrifice that comes with it that I admire and have a large respect for. So my response to mom’s who work outside the home who say they also do what a sahm does and more is not meant to be argumentative, but instead, I would love to encourage other working moms to consider this perspective. Because honestly? On a complete feelings level? It’s hurtful to sahm to hear. We feel like we’re not measuring up, or we don’t do enough when we hear these sort of statements. “I do what you do and more.” :-/ So would you (and other mom’s who work outside the home) consider this perspective? And much love to you, friend! I look forward to you being back home again too. 
I miss you!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Why Don’t You Just Get a Job
For me I work as a Massage Therapist anywhere from 10 hours a week to 30 hours a week. I miss my girls completely when I have to leave, the time alone getting ready for work prevents me from spending time with them. BUT, sometimes I view my time at work as a treat. A break from all the crying, and demands of a toddler and a baby. I enjoy also the time I get with grown ups. And then having the opportunity to go to the grocery store by myself. All treats, and all things I cannot do on the days I am home. I completely agree, both sides are hard, both requires sacrifices. BUT hard in different ways. Thanks for pointing that out, because it’s easy to think mom’s who work do everything SAHM’s do plus work, it’s just not true. I do see both sides, and honestly I tend to feel more exhausted going back to work than I do coming off of work into my role of a full time mom.
I think it’s a daily battle to fight the temptation to want the easy way, even as a SAHM. Sure I’m here with them and not out “there” talking to “adults,” but that doesn’t mean my heart is always pure. I’ve found play groups with my local MOPS group has helped me to get that adult conversation without having to go into an office. Women need women, and they need adult conversation. Being home can become so isolating. But when I talk with other moms, I find that my “problem” (whatever it is) isn’t so unique and I’m not alone in this journey of motherhood. Being a mom is exhausting, and I think it’s a gift that you, along with so many others, get to see both sides of the “issue.” Thanks so much for sharing your story! Keep fighting, friend!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
Yes. Unfortunately, I hear it quite often from the people who are supposedly the most supportive people in my life: my soon-to-be-ex-husband (constantly), my sister, my brother, and one specific friend. it’s so painful that I’m tearing up while typing this. Now that my husband has left us, my stay-at-home status is being threatened. I may be forced to do what I know is contradictory to what is best for my children. I may no longer have a choice after the looming court battle. In fact, he has stated that he’s willing to send my son to an institutional school (he’s been diagnosed with Apserger’s and ADHD) for the express purpose of getting me employed outside the home. He also said that he would prefer to be sent to jail for not paying alimony/child support because that way he would be able to do what I do all day: nothing. This is a timely post – thank you.
Heather recently posted..OGS – Dolls and Lithographs
Heather, I’m so sorry to hear this. I will pray that you will rest in the Father, and trust him as your shelter and strength in this trying and difficult time. “Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever.” Psalm 125:1 He is with you sweet one, and He has a grand plan for you even among the suffering. He doesn’t waste a single ounce of pain. I promise!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
Leigh Ann, I totally agree! I may not have been clear, both jobs are super hard and should be respected. As a working mom, I cannot possibly do everything SAHM’s do and no I don’t think I do more if I made it sould like that in previous comment, which on my end as a previous SAHM, currently working mom, makes me feel guilty (self guilt) bc I want to, but it is impossile. (both moms, whether working or not, still have duties like cleaning, mothering, laundry, making dinners, etc.) In my personal experiece, I think experiecing this time as a working mom, will help me to appreciate my time as a SAHM (once again) and be a better mom in the future.
Rachel @ day2day joys recently posted..Healthy 2day Wednesdays {Week 64}
Rachel, again, I so appreciate you! Thanks so much for sharing with us! Both roles are so hard, and I only want us, as women, to truly encourage one another in all things.
Leigh Ann recently posted..Why Don’t You Just Get a Job
Well said Leigh Ann! It’s so sad that our culture doesn’t value stay at home moms the way they should!! I think we all face this question at one time or another. I was married in college and already looking forward to being a stay at home mom and I had people ask me all the time what my career plans are. I just got blank stares back or rude comments when I said that I want to stay home!! LOL
Jami Leigh recently posted..A HEART of Modesty
We experienced much of the same when we decided that I would be a SAHW when we became pregnant with our boy. That time of learning was invaluable to me!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
AMEN! I’m currently a mom who works outside the home, but we’re working towards me being able to be a SAHM and I couldn’t agree with you more! After reading, “Beyond Bathtime” by Erin Davis, I am even more strengthened in my resolve and understand even more how important us moms are to our families.
Beyond Bathtime has been such an encouragement for me too, Athena! I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed it. And of course I’m glad your coming home!
Leigh Ann recently posted..A Note from Leigh Ann to You My Sweet Reader
THANK YOU. The other day my mom said to me (who worked my whole life): “Just remember to be grateful that you get to stay home…imagine if you had to work 8 hours a day AND THEN come home to kids, a house, and making dinner.” SUCH an IGNORANT statement!!! I told her I’m more physically drained being a stay at home mom than I ever was at a desk job. It’s very frustrating when others around us see no value in what we do. Especially since I find all the value in the world in what we do!
Jessica recently posted..To Night Wean or Not
I get this too, friend. Our friends and family who have worked, I think, battle an element of guilt. Let us be quick to offer them grace (as hard as it is). Many simply do not know, but we can continue to gently teach in humility. And for me? Repent often when I fail…praying for you, Jessica! Hang in there!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
I know there are MANY who do not approve of my chosen life style as SAHM as well as homeschooing my children. All of my inlaws for starters. I guess I came into it knowing that I would have few pats on the back. Sometimes it is discouraging but I am committed so I keep going. Thank you for the encouragement.
Jamie, do you have a moms’ group you can meet with for support? They’re great with giving the pats occasionally when we are feeling defeated. I attend my local MOPS group and it has been so refreshing for me!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
I’m currently a working mom but I’ve also been a stay at home mom. And my experience has been that going to work is a break for me and that staying at home was much harder emotionally. Workplaces are usually run logically, kids are not logical. And it’s hard to argue with a three-year old. My time for working is limited so I’m enjoying it as much as possible and then when I’m once again a SAHM I’ll enjoy that too, and will be thankful that I got to experience both worlds. Both are hard, both have rewards and drawbacks. As Temple Grandin has famously said, “Different but not less” (hopefully I got that quote right).
Rebecca recently posted..Workout Overload
Kids are certainly not logical. ha! I think it’s good to know both sides of the fence. Thanks for sharing!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
I’ve totally been there! And the crazy thing is…I work from home (as do you) on top of being a SAHM! Best job in the world!
Erin@TheHumbledHomemaker recently posted..Maintaining Proper Iron Levels During Pregnancy
I just recently found your blog via Stacy Makes Cents. What a great post! I have also had to explain why I am a SAHM, even though my kids are older, (18,16,16,11). When I talk about being frugal or being on a budget, I am often asked why I do not get a job. I have to explain that if I got a job, yes, we would have more money coming in, but more would actually go out with eating out, a work clothing budget, eating more connivance food instead of making my own from scratch, and so on. I have worked at times and stayed home at times over the years and I can say with confidence that I save our family more staying home than I would bring in if I worked. But even if that was not the case, taking care of my family’s needs are more important than having a few extra dollars in the bank. I certainly have no problem with women who work outside the home; I admire their ability to multitask so many things. But I feel this is the calling that God has given ME, and until I feel Him calling me to do something else I will do the best I can with what I have been given.
Rebecca, we’re glad you found us! It’s amazing how budget friendly being a SAHM is.
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
So many moms need to hear this! I often find myself saying that I’m a student or a writer or a blogger before I say that I’m a stay-at-home mom. I want to be a mom, but that doesn’t seem to be politically correct in our society today. Everyone expects us to be more – even my husband. And that’s exhausting. Everything that you listed is part of a mom – it’s a full-time job to run a house and take care of kids – but nobody seems to realize that (except for us moms, I guess, and so we need to stand up for ourselves more). Thanks for doing that.
Bonnie, I’ve certainly been there. It’s hard to tell what you are sometimes. My hats change so often! I’m sorry your hubby has a hard time with it too.
Hang in there mommy!
Leigh Ann recently posted..A Note from Leigh Ann to You My Sweet Reader
Just read an encouraging blog post by Trevin Wax from the GC blog. It’s a beautiful letter to stay at home moms: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/trevinwax/2012/08/06/dear-stay-at-home-mom/
Oh how timely! Thanks for sharing!
Leigh Ann recently posted..A Note from Leigh Ann to You My Sweet Reader
Thanks for this post! This happened to me recently too. “Why don’t you get a job and hire someone to homeschool the children?” It was said by a relative and cried for 3 months. (Ok, so I overreacted.) But my profession is TEACHING. Why would I go educate other people’s children so that I could spend that money hiring someone to teach my own children? I was hurt and I felt like I was the only person on earth who had had something like this said to them. So thank you! =)
AlinaJoy @ Good Old Days Farm recently posted..What It’s Really Like to Run a CSA…
That’s so hard, Alina! It’s hardest when it comes from a family member. This I know.
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
This post hit home. I quit my job last Thanksgiving after almost a decade in an office. I have worked on and off FT/PT since my husband and I got married 18 years ago. We always worked opposite shifts so that one of us was home with the boys (no daycare!), but it’s taken its toll on our marriage and home life. When I started my job ten years ago, it was with the expectation that as the boys got older and ‘went off to school” I’d eventually work FT. As time went on I became pretty sure that my office manager had me in mind to take over when she retired in another 10 years or so–a job I NEVER wanted. Then we started homeschooling (7 years ago now…wow!)…and my priorities shifted. Then my hubby went through some medical issues…and my priorities shifted again. I finally realized that splitting my focus between work and the guys just wasn’t working, for any of us. It took another 4 years to convince my husband that we should give me being home FT a try…and I have to admit, it’s harder than I ever thought it would be. Some nights I cry myself to sleep wishing I still had that job to “run off to”. Some days I wonder why I haven’t looked for something PT to “help out” yet. And some days I just spend reading good books to my sons, realizing that no matter what I could earn, there’s so much time I can never buy back.
My heart aches for all the women who want to be home and can’t…and I empathize with the ones who feel they “need” to work. Choosing ANY career path is a personal decision, and it’s horrible the way people judge others for their choices. I think we should all be proud to be “JUST” moms. How many women want to be and can’t? So when someone asks me (and I know the day is coming) why I don’t work, I’m gonna look ‘em in the eye and say, “You want to come do MY job? I could use a day at the office to bum around and do nothing!” *GRIN*
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s amazing how God changes and molds us into His perfect will.
Leigh Ann recently posted..Steps You Can Take to Banish Burnout
This is really a hot topic for me, like I know it is for a lot of SAHM’s. It’s so frustrating, and goes back to what our society values. It all comes down to money. You are only validated if you are “worth something” and being paid for your services. I have a friend who is a nanny. That is seen as a valid, respectable, worthy profession. She does the exact.same.things that I do. Yet, since she gets paid for it, while I’m serving my own family, her position is deemed as worthy while mine is not. It’s such a messed up system of values, and one that’s very frustrating.
When someone asks me what I do, or am I employed, I always hold my head up high, look them straight in the eye, and tell them that I stay at home to raise my family. Because I’m proud of what I do, and I’m not going to let a society’s messed up value system undermine that.
Crystal @ Serving Joyfully recently posted..Thoughts on Marriage from a Road Trip (Part 2)
The reason being a stay at home mom is not a job is because everything you do (cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, carpooling) is also done by the millions of men and women who have kids and a job outside the home. You just have all day to get it done, instead of a few hours in the evening and on the weekend. Try doing all of that with a 40 or 50 hour per week job. That’s the real challenge. You, by dear SAHMs, are privledged. Stop whining!
Wendy, thanks for popping in. I’m sorry you do not see a mom who works at home as a job. It truly makes me sad. But more than that, I’m sad that we as women can’t support one another in the roles that God has called us to and what our family needs. The point of my article was a far cry from whining, and more an exhortation to women to stop pitting themselves against one another and saying that one does more than the other. Moms who work outside the home have a tough job too! Assuming you are one, I’m thankful that you have the perseverance, strength, and love for your family to be able to work a job and still keep your home and children with all the love and care that you can muster up! I do the same thing. It just looks different. The truth is that we’re not doing the same things to the same degree. For example, you may still change diapers, but I’m changing them all day. You might be teaching a seminar on how to get better sales results while I’m doing pre-school with my son. Everything you do? I don’t do. Everything I do? You don’t do. It’s a lie that many women have bought into. We each have a lot on our plates, and we each have to sacrifice certain things to reach our goals as a family. I’m thankful for what you do, and I hope that you can grow in the same respect for women who stay home who do the best they can too. But you do have one thing correct. I am thankful that I’m able to stay home with my son day in and day out. It truly is a privilege and one I do not take for granted. Thank you for your reminder because it is easy to forget.
I’m not a mom — yet. I’ll be 28 in 5 days, married to a loving man who recently finished out his Navy career in a way we hadn’t exactly expected. We’ve been married 4 years. I grew up in rural Georgia where my mother quit work and homeschooled me from kindergarten through the 9th grade. During those years, she took on some baby-sitting for other families and the occasional relative. I remember her coming to a 12-year-old (me) asking if I thought it was right or wrong that she go back to work in order to help her husband (my dad) with the bills. I’m not privy to all the details of that time, but I know she felt that she was to be her husband’s help-mate, and part of that was bringing money home that put bread on the table. I also remember her praying over me and telling me that she hoped I would one day be able to experience something similar with my own children. She wanted me to grow up to be a SAHM.
In my late teens, I looked for work, with no luck. I continued my search for 6 years, and held down a work-study position for a full year. My accomplishments within that position earned me “glowing recommendations” from my supervisor and the rest of the staff who over-saw my work. But my future job searches either didn’t bother calling my references, or they didn’t give a flip. The whole rejected mess ended with a phone call to my then-fiancee. I was in tears. My family put so much pressure on me to find work because it was the accepted thing to do. After I wed, I gave myself time to recover from the rejection I’d faced in the world of attempted careers. I tried a few more times to find work, but it never worked out….
I’ve chosen to blog instead. I’m a crafter. I’m an artist. I craft something from nothing. And all due respect to CEOs, but that is more valuable in the long run than any CEO’s attempt at faking and mass-producing the same craft. This is why I’m happy.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
What a neat story! Thanks for sharing! I didn’t have a lot of luck in the work force either. I did find a job and worked hard at it for three years, but it wasn’t where my passions were or really what I was gifted at. I think God has a way of working things in such a way to get us right where He needs us! Blogging is a wonderful way to bring in income to help your family. If you haven’t found our sister site – http://christianmommyblogger.com/ – then you should check it out!