This post is written by contributing writer, Brenda from Triple-Braided.
I have a bad habit.
A habit that drives my husband out of his skin.
I leave shoes all over the house.
There are running shoes by the front door. Flip flops under the coffee table. Sandals next to the bed. And another pair of sandals in the bathroom.
Yes, they are everywhere.
The problem is that they are in all of these places without me even knowing it. I can walk past each pair of shoes five times in a day and not even see them or think about them…
…until my husband trips over a pair, makes an “Ugghhh” sound out loud, and almost hits the floor.
Then I know they’re there.
I’m not deliberately leaving my shoes all over the house so that he can trip over them. They are not my secret traps.
However, to him, that’s exactly what it looks like.
He asks me to pick them up, start putting them away, and stop leaving them everywhere, and of course I vow to do so and promise that I will be more careful and he’ll never trip again.
And then comes the next fall.
Isn’t this how it is in all marriages?
We all have little tendencies, little quirks, little habits that we don’t even realize until there’s someone else sleeping beside us every night. Then they all come out, right there, spewed onto the floor.
Leaving shoes everywhere for my husband to trip over is not my only habit. I have other ones. And my husband has a set of his own, too. He leaves used paper towels on the kitchen counters without throwing them away.
Most of our habits we can laugh about: leaving the toilet seat up, not putting the top back on the toothpaste, keeping the refrigerator door open.
But there are others, usually the secret ones, that have more serious effects:
- binge eating
- going to bed too late
- pornography
- overusing alcohol
- shopping
- reading romance novels
- Facebook stalking
- smoking
- using bad language
- excessive dieting
- too much reality TV
- time on hobbies
- surfing the Internet
What do we do when our spouse has a habit, especially a bad habit, that is affecting our marriage or will eventually affect our marriage?
As women, our tendency is to try to control the situation by reminding, dropping hints, and nagging. But for anyone who’s been married for longer than a week, we know that nagging doesn’t work. If anything, this leads to more of the same behavior.
It is not our job to control our husbands (or mother them). To get them to do what we want them to do. To get them to change. Change can only occur through an act of the Holy Spirit. Change is the Holy Spirit’s job.
This is something I struggle with almost daily. I have to remind myself over and over again that I am not my husband’s Holy Spirit. God provides my husband the Holy Spirit to accomplish His will, whatever that may be.
A very wise pastor gave me a piece of advice recently, and a simple phrase, to remember when there is a behavior I want to change in my husband.
He said, “Bless to Success.”
Yes, we must bless our husbands, then we will see the work of God within them through changed behaviors and attitudes.
How can we bless our husbands to success?
1. Pray for him.
Pray that God makes your husband all that He wants him to be – not what you want him to be. Pray that God opens your eyes to see the blessings you have in your husband.
2. Lead by example, not words.
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1-2).
We all know the cliche, “Actions speak louder than words.” If a wife is always nagging, picking on, belittling, or even degrading her husband to become what she wants him to become, then what motivation is there for him to become more like her?
Let your husband see the Holy Spirit in your life. That may cause him to ask, “What is it within her that gives her such peace and joy?”
You may just see those habits disappear and a new heart emerge.
How do you deal with the bad habits, small or large, that you see in your marriage?
Happily Shared with Titus 2sday, Teach Me Tuesdays, and Women Living Well.
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About Brenda
Oh, this made me laugh…leaving shoes around the house used to drive my husband NUTS when we first got married. I think it really was his biggest pet peeve about me. I don’t think it bothers him anymore even though I can see three different pairs of shoes laying around the house right now…:)
Your reminder to not nag when desiring something to be different is wonderful. I think it’s also important to not only be praying for him but also praying for our own attitude towards him as well. It’s important to not allow bitterness to creep in, especially since that bad habit may never actually change yet it is still our responsibility to respond to him in a godly way.
Elizabeth@Warrior Wives recently posted..Lie #1: "God Wants Me To Be Happy"
Elizabeth, that is so true – to not only pray for him but our attitude towards him. What great advice! It is so true that the habit may not change. I think this is especially hard when it’s a more serious one. We have to remain faithful that God will do His will in His timing. Thank you!!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..What to Do with Your Spouse’s Bad Habits
Oh what a great point about praying for ourselves in order to guard against bitterness. I needed this reminder!
This is great advice! It is so easy to fall into the trap of nagging! I do try to remember that I have my own fair share of bad habits and that helps me to remember to extend grace. At least sometimes
Anne @ Quick and Easy Cheap and Healthy recently posted..Spelt Pizza Crust – Great Alternative for Wheat-Free Diets
It’s so hard not to nag! That’s good to remember our own bad habits!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..When Remembering the Past is Good
Exactly what I needed to read today. I found out yesterday that my husband started smoking again and was trying to hide it from me. I told him that I would pray for him and that he should resist the urge to sin. I have a really hard time with this habit. It goes against our faith, it’s a terrible example to set for our 3 year old and it’s so expensive. My husband is a 2 pack a day smoker when he’s smoking. That’s $12 or more a day spent on cigarettes and I have no say in the matter. So frustrating.
Heather, I completely understand your frustration. These are the hardest ones to surrender to God. After writing and publishing I hoped that my post didn’t paint a “pie in the sky” response to these more serious habits b/c they are so difficult to deal with. I am so glad that the post was helpful. There are more serious habits than leaving shoes around in our marriage, too, and I have just found that praying constantly and then thanking God for the small glimpses of hope really helps. Thank you for sharing today!
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..What to Do with Your Spouse’s Bad Habits
Oh, how hard, Heather! I’m sorry to hear this, of course. I think Brenda has given great advice though – prayer. I have seen so many times how powerful God is to change what doesn’t glorify Him! Your husband is not outside of God’s care. I will pray with you!
Brenda I didn’t think your article was too light at all. It was perfect, and you even mentioned smoking in the secret habit list. I’m glad I came across your article and remembered that praying is the answer. I’m so quick to get angry and be self righteous, when I too am a sinner and I need to remember that, and be a helper to my hubby.
Thank you for the prayers ladies.
I LOVE this post! This is the first time I have been to your wonderful blog, and I’m enjoying my visit. I will be impulsive here and ask you to consider linking up to our “EOA’ Wednesday link-up party to share this with other readers. It is just the kind of encouragement I’m desiring to share there
Many blessings, new friend!
Jacqueline
I enjoyed reading this post! I KNOW my husband thinks I’m trying to kill him with my many pairs of shoes laying around the house! I will remember, “Bless to success.” My husband has started drinking more than what he should. I pray for husband and that the Lord will reveal to me the true need. And, call me crazy, I anointed the bottles with oil and asked the Lord to give my husband a dis-taste for the alcohol and a thirst for Him. Thank you for the reminder to guard against bitterness…..it’s an easy trap to fall into.
I laughed as I read through your post. I have a similar habit, I don’t leave shoes though – I leave socks! It’s so easy to see our spouses bad habits and overlook our own. Thankfully, God in His mercy has a way of showing them to us – for our good and the good of our marriage.
God bless,
r.
Ronda recently posted..Cleaning Day!
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 35 YRS,HE IS A REALLY GOOD MAN, WORKS HARD,LOVING,FUNNY MAKES ME LAUGH ALOT BUT HE HAS A BAD HABBIT OF WATCHING PORN,AND IT HAS BEEN GOING ON BEFORE WE EVER STARTED DATING,DIDN;T USE TO BOTHER ME SO MUCH YEARS AGO,AS IT DOES NOW I JUST HATE IT,BUT UNTIL I READ ON THIS SITE THAT A WOMAN SHOULD RESPECT HER HUSBAND EVEN WITH A BAD HABBIT,I THOUGHT I WAS WRONG TO DO SO,I HAVE PRAYED ABOUT IT,AND TURNED IT OVER TO GOD, TO LET HIM CHANGE MY HUSBAND,BECAUSE I CAN;T AND I DON;T WANT TO FIGHT ABOUT IT,WE HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE,AND I DON;T WANT TO BE A NAGGING WIFE,ANY COMMENTS ARE WELCOME E-MAIL CATA@BLOMAND.NET
Terri, this is so hard and such a serious situation. I hold on tight to 1 Peter 3:1-2. Your example and actions will influence your husband over time. I have always believed that women need mature, Christian mentors in their lives to help them through these hard situations. Also, I encourage you to be in the Word, reading the Bible, every single day. Pray without ceasing, and rest in God’s promises. I’m praying for you tonight.
Brenda @TripleBraided recently posted..Brave is the Woman Who Bears Her Unplanned Baby {Five Minute Friday}