I pray that my husband becomes “godlier.” I pray that my daughters wouldn’t make the same mistakes I made. I pray that the words He wants me to speak in front of others might come out cohesively, with grace. I pray that Shelby would stop going poo poo in her pants throughout this battle that we call potty training.
These prayers, in and of themselves, are not bad prayers. But I must ask myself, what is my motive behind these prayers?
My dear reader, it ain’t pretty.
I am self-seeking. I am rotten. I see these things I want through the lens of my own foolish desires.
Let’s crack open the living pages of the Word of God and take a look at a passage that can really open our eyes about our motives behind prayer:
“Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.” James 4:1-3
Why do I pray that my husband becomes godlier? Is it because I want him to be closer to God for his sake? No, though as I write this I am confessing my sin to God, asking for forgiveness since my motives are not of Him. No my friend, I have been praying he would be a godlier man for my sake.
Wouldn’t it be so great (for me) if he played basketball with the church on Tuesday night to fellowship with like-minded men? Went to the men’s Bible study and breakfast on Thursday? Led small group on Sunday? Led our family in devotions each night with dinner? Prayed over the family with me each night before bed? Wouldn’t that be so great for me him?
I honestly feel as though things would be perfect with my marriage if the above were true, but I know that isn’t the case. This desire and prayer is filled with my own desire and therefore will never be quenched. I will always desire him to do more than he is doing. If led by my own wants, he will never be godly enough.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has put eternity in our hearts. This means we will always long for more than this world has to offer. Taking it one step further, I will personally always desire more than anyone here can give me. I will always be let down. However, the Lord has a plan.
I need to ask Him what it is.
Lord, I know you know my desires. They are before you everyday whether I bring them to you or not (Psalm 38:9). I will not simply pray for my own desires. I desire what You have planned for my husband. I want him to long to be closer to You because YOU have something planned for him that is beyond what I can comprehend. You know where he needs to be better than I. I cannot put Your plans in a box and if I could, I would only be missing out on all You have to offer. Please keep me from myself and my self-loving tendencies. I don’t want to miss Your beautiful plan.
Ok, now I just have to remember this plan. And I can. I have laid my own desires at the foot of the cross and He has taken that load off my back.
My prayers that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, as I said, are not bad prayers. It is the motives behind them that need to be confessed. And as James states, my prayers will remain unanswered when the motive behind them is my own selfish desire.
I do pray that my daughters would not make the same mistakes I made. But I can’t pray that prayer because I am trying to live vicariously through their lives. I can’t pray that prayer simply because I fear they will hurt like I have. But I can pray that prayer because I so desperately want them to have a heart like His. To long to be so close to their sweet Savior that the ways of this world have no room in their God-fearing lives. I can pray that prayer because the Lord has so much planned for them, and I want nothing to hinder that walk.
I do pray that the words He gives me come out smoothly and cohesively and with grace. But I can’t pray that because I want to become a big blogger, Bible study teacher and mentor who gets recognition for her abilities. I pray this because He has plans for me that I do not yet fully understand. I want to be a vessel. I want each word I speak to reach someone’s heart so they might strengthen their relationship with the Lord, or perhaps even come to the Lord if they do not know Him. I pray this prayer because I do not want to, by the grace of God, hinder anyone from a personal relationship with Him.
I do pray that Shelby would stop going poo poo in her pants. But I shouldn’t pray that simply because I want to stop cleaning it up (sigh, this is true). I pray this because I want her heart to want to obey. She knows what she is to do and simply does not “want” to. I pray she will grow a heart of obedience to me so that she can understand how to better serve God.
It isn’t our prayers that we need to work on. It is why we pray them.
“You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.” James 4:3
Oh, Precious Lord, please do not let our prayers be so selfish. Keep us from ourselves. Set our eyes on You. An help us remember to bring our selfish desires to You and lay them before You so we can be blameless and focus on Your plan and not our own when we pray!
Do you have a selfish motive behind a prayer you have been praying? Have you been wondering why it isn’t getting answered?
This post is linked to The Better Mom, Time Warp Wife, Women Living Well and New Life Steward
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Please don’t take this as argumentative….I promise, it’s not. This post just touches on some questions I have. The ‘good Christian’ part of me nods my head and says, “Yes, Yes, this is the ‘issue’ with my praying”…..the devil on my other shoulder says, “I thought praying was ‘just like talking to a friend’….I would just tell a friend what I wanted, because it’s what I want….it’s not always selfish to just say I want this because it would enrich my life.” Who doesn’t want the best life they can possibly have?
Also, since I KNOW that this is how I am to pray, sometimes I feel that I am asking from a ‘please do it for them’ point of view just to fulfill this scripture……and therefore get what I want under the pretense of asking for the other person. I struggle with my heart TRULY being in the right place to pray unselfishly……..’word prayers’ mean nothing when you’re heart is contradicting your words. However, is a selfish prayer better than no prayer? (like praying for your hubby to desire to grow closer to God because you want him to is better than not praying for him at all)
Does that make sense? I just really struggle with prayer. On one hand, it’s supposed to be simple and easy…..tell God what is on/in your heart and that’s it. On the other hand, these pieces of scripture make simple, ‘tell God’ prayers seem childish and immature. Like nothing of any significance will come out of ‘just talking to God like a friend’.
Then there’s the issue of asking with the expectation that God will give you the desires of your heart (Ps. 37:4)…..how do we convey those desires if we don’t tell him what we want….whether or not it’s considered selfish. There are TONS of scriptures that also say, “ask and it will be given unto you” (or some variation of that). Those verses state that if YOU BELIEVE, you will get it….but nothing about asking out of selflessness.
(but then that also brings up, what if you really, truly do BELIEVE that God will give you whatever, but it’s not within His will….or His answer is No…..then you really don’t get what YOU want just for BELIEVING)
I DON”T believe that the scripture contradicts itself, so I’d love to know how this all relates. Maybe some of the verses I’m thinking are out of context, therefore making them seem contradictory.
Hopefully, I didn’t ramble too much…..this is just a topic that I struggle to put into words. I know what questions I have, but they are hard to get out sometimes
I would love any thoughts you, or your readers, have on this can of worms I’ve opened 
Well, friend, I didn’t take your comment as argumentative. These sort of questions are exactly what we long to see. Women seeking truth! With that said, I’m sure Nikki will pipe in soon, but in the meantime, I really wanted to respond to you, Nicole, because I have a sincere heart for us, as women, as Christians, to “get prayer.”
Praying is a crucial, very important part of the Christian walk. I think it is a spiritual discipline and one that will grow more and more profound in maturity as we grow in godliness. When I think back to when I first became a Christian, I was so lost. I had no idea how to pray, and you know what? That’s okay. The Spirit that dwells within us will pray for what we’ve no idea how to pray. So, yes in part, it’s better to pray something than not pray at all, but yet, we must long for more, we must strive to grow in the spiritual discipline of prayer. We must long to pray as Jesus prayed and long to pray as God would have us pray.
I think our culture today (and the Devil at that) would love for us to think of God as nothing more than a Genie in a Bottle who gives us everything we ask for even if we ask for it with selfish motives (even if we’re unaware of how selfish we are). But that’s not who God is! God is all-knowing, all-sufficient, almighty, sovereign God! As His creation, we were made for His glory, not for our own desires. We were made for Christ exalting work, not our own “good life.”
But you’re right, Nicole, it’s not about praying perfect. It truly is about praying honest. I think what Nikki did such a great job revealing was that often our honest is far from God glorifying…through her exposition of God’s Word, I think she helped reveal that our prayers must go further than just talking to some unseen god about our worries and struggles, to truly seeking HIS FACE and HIS WILL during our prayer time for what is on our hearts. So by all means, pour out your heart, friend! God longs to hear from you, but in the same sitting, be sure to listen to Him and what He says in return.
Jesus talked to God the Father as a friend, as a son. In his final hours, he called out to God to take the cup from him. He was well aware of the pain and suffering he was about to endure, and he prayed that God would make another way. But in the end, he knew there was no other way, and resolved to submit to God’s will. And God’s will was done for our good and for His glory. The same can be said for our prayers. We can take our heart’s requests to Him, but we must be resolved to submit to His will because we trust in His promise that everything works together for the good of those who love Him.
Truly, it’s a mystery to me sometimes. But as you grow in godliness, you will find your prayers aligning more and more with God’s will for your life. You’ll learn to pray as Jesus prayed because you’re learning to walk as Jesus walked. So don’t give up. We’re right there with you in our struggle to pray rightly according to God’s Word. But none of this is meant to discourage. All of it is meant to reveal yet again our need for a Savior! And praise Jesus he made a way!
Thanks for your comment, Nicole! Keep seeking His face and He will continue to reveal His perfect will for your prayer life. That I can promise!
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Thank you for your reply. I am definitely getting better in my prayer life. I am more consistent and have found some techniques that really help me out. I discovered ‘unselfish prayer’ when I had a trying time with my daughter. I kept asking God to deal with and convict her of her behavior. Then, in a moment of absolute despair, I prayed that God would help me deal with her. That He would give me sight into what may be fueling her behavior and my part in it. I prayed that He would give me patience and a controlled tongue and the ability to act like a mom and not get caught up in the moment. Since that heartfelt, pour it all out prayer, things have been drastically different between us. I now pray for God to change me and use me in a way that is pleasing to Him in accordance to His will (for whatever situation I am in at the time).
Where I run into ‘issues’ is when all of these verses are put together……and like I said before, maybe I just need to continue reading to be able to ‘connect the dots’, all of the ‘prayer verses’ all together are just so confusing to me then I start to think….maybe I am doing something wrong!!??
Again, thank you for this response and I am going to focus my studies on prayer for a while. I am seeing how important it is and I want to know the in’s and out’s of what God says about it.
I just know that sometimes I DO pray selfish prayers, because it’s something I want. Maybe it’s something petty, sometimes not…but God says ‘you don’t get it because you don’t ask’….so I do
I think a lot of my problem is that I have been a Christian since 1988, but am just beginning my relationship with Christ. I am new and learning. I will continue to pray and mature in my prayers as I grow in God and His word.
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Nicole,
In response to your original comment, let me say you don’t sound argumentative at all. You sound curious and perhaps conflicted. And that is truly where we all are. I believe that what is most important from my post (and even more importantly, the Scriptures) is to realize that 1) there isn’t a wrong way to pray in the sense that God is judging how you approach Him. 2) You won’t always have answered prayers according to how YOU think they should be answered. Now that is where I think the big hang up may lie. I was making it clear that at times, we may not see our prayers answered because we aren’t asking with the right heart. If I pray that my husband would be godlier because I want to thrive in ministry and have him right there by my side, I won’t ever see him grow because I am not going to just wake up tomorrow and have him preparing to preach on Sunday. See, my heart wants instant gratification for my prayers. Why would I want to wait? If I pray that he become closer to God because I want him to have a stronger relationship with the Lord and I know that in the end, that is what God wants of him also, than I may start to notice certain things such as, giving to the poor, praying without being asked, volunteering for a new ministry, waking up early to do a Bible study. Each and every one of those is an answer to prayer, but not necessarily to my prayer with the selfish motives. So God answers prayers and God listens to prayers, but what is our heart focused on. Only that which benefits us in the long run or that which God wants us to focus on now. If we lay our own desires and wants aside, and focus on HIM we WILL find a new set of desires. This could be for a new car, a baby, or even a loved one’s salvation. If we focus more on Him than what we are actually praying for (our desired result) won’t our eyes fall onto His will and therefore, be more likely to see the outcome HE has planned? As I grow closer to Him, I have started praying more for His will, to soften my heart, open my heart, guide me, lead me, etc., rather than praying for specific requests. Yes, I do lift up a ton of stuff to Him through out the day because I try to think of Him constantly and prayer is a conversation with God. But I am realizing (every. single. day) that I need to pay Him more respect. As the Maker of the universe He knows better what I should be praying than I. Rather than talking until I “guess right” I am choosing to worship Him through my prayer and wait for Him to lead me. Sometimes this means I just pray Psalms, sometimes this means I cry out and pour my heart all over my words. But regardless, it is my heart I am praying for. Oh goodness…I have said enough
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I think that your questioning has done far more to cause me to look into this deeper than I had imagined and for that, dear friend, I thank you. God bless!
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Thank you for replying….this all makes sense to me….and I am feeling comfortable in my questioning and that it is leading me to ‘search it out’….which is what God ultimately wants anyway, right? Awesome, thought provoking post……..keep ‘em coming
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In response to Nicole, I would like to mention a couple of things. I believe that we as sinners, in our own strength are unable to pray unselfish prayers and that it is only by God’s grace that we can pray unselfishly. If we submit our wills to Him, acknowledging that we are selfish and sinful and ask the Lord to direct our prayers and our thoughts, then by His grace, He will do that. Also we need to recognise God’s sovereinty and providence. Whavever we pray, we can say, “but Your will, not mine be done” – then rest knowing that we have prayed about it and that it is in the hands of our ever-loving Saviour and that His good and perfect will, will be done. Also just to mention: Jesus prayed to God the Father, that He would take the cup of suffering from Him if it were possible, but He also prayed that God the Father’s will be Done. Jesus, being without sin, did not want to go through the suffering but He chose to submit His will to the Father’s and to do it anyway. God’s grace covers our own sinfulness – we cannot. But recognising the selfishness of our own prayers only shows us more than ever our desperate need for a saviour.
Karyn, very well said, friend! Thanks for this wonderful example!
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I was taught as a kid that the only way we can get things we pray for is to ask for things for other people, however, if we want things for ourselves then that is why god invented hard work. Its a nice message that has stuck with me!
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That is a funny thought, though I do believe we get things we ask for even if we aren’t praying for others! The Lord wants our hearts. He wants our minds and our actions to glorify Him. This is when we will notice that our prayers begin to line up with what HE wants, not merely what WE want. But talk to God about it all…He has an open ear and is eager to listen!
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Prayer has been heavy on my mind lately, so I know it was no accident we were neighbors over at WIP Wednesday.
So blessed by your post! It really is about less of me, more of Him. Letting go and letting Him move in our lives…isn’t it.
Oh Father, teach me how to pray….
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Nikki, I have to laugh that you didn’t comment on that fact that our names are both Nikki! Ha ha. I was JUST over at WIP so I will hop back over there and check out your blog.
Less of us and more of Him is a lifelong battle. But it is amazing so see the flood gates of answered prayer when we do faithfully seek Him over our own desires!
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Oh how often I treat God like a candy machine! I insert my prayers and good works and expect Him to give me all my heart desires! But what if prayer isn’t about getting what I want but getting to know Him? This post reminds me of Psalm 37:4 “Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Love this post and appreciate your heart for Him.
I started praying consistently for my husband in May. Reading this has caused me to take a true look at myself. What are my reasons for asking God to do these things in His life? Thanks for making me take pause and consider.
Thanks also for linking up! Glad to have you at WIP!
Mary Beth
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I’ve just begun praying (semi) regularly again after a looong dry spell. I have always believed in God, but have been too lazy to form a relationship with Him. I sometimes wondered if that meant I even believed in God – if I agreed that He saved me, then why wasn’t I convicted to turn my life over to him?!
Anyway. Thank you for your thoughts – I’ve been struggling with how and what to pray. I still don’t totally ‘get it’, but I think that will simply take time and growth.
how humbling is it to realize that even our prayers do not remain untouched by our sin? And yet, God still hears them, answers them, and loves us.
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Wow this is so convicting thank you so much for sharing the raw-ness of your heart. I too, struggle with asking the Lord for a “Godly husband” and so what you said about that really resonated with me. Definitely something I am going to work on as my one word for this year is “prayer.”
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