He’s gone, again. He travels so much. Why can’t he just stay home with us? Why must his job take him all over the world at all times of the year? Why does it have to be this way?
It’s been this way for our entire marriage. Sure, it’s not as bad as it once was, but no one likes to have their husband gone for days on end. I really have a hard time with it. I struggle to turn the switch on and off.
When he’s gone, I have to man the house alone. I’m the one peeking out the window when the dog growls in the dead of night armed only with my frying pan. I’m the one giving the toddler his bath when I haven’t had a bath yet myself. I’m the one eating alone, sleeping alone. Nevermind, of course, that’s Mark’s alone too.
However, once the man of my prayers makes his way back home, I’m supposed to go back to being the helper, the tender, loving wife within seconds. I go from taking care of everything to releasing those burdens back to him, letting him wield the frying pan.
I know some of you are naturally kind and tender and so you’re shaking your head in disgust at me. I don’t blame you. My mother-in-love is one of the most giving women I know. She sacrifices and sacrifices and sacrifices, never getting much in return, and yet, she continues serving selflessly. She would never think of turning off her emotions and shelving them for later.
When you walk in the door, the whole world stops. You are her priority. I’ve seen her drop everything when our men return from an outing to go hug and kiss them all. I’m still standing in the kitchen mixing flour and sugar mentally checking off the next thing I need to accomplish. The same could be said for Mark’s return from work trips.
It’s the ultimate, modern day Mary and Martha scenario.
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her. ~Luke 10:38-42
To apply this verse to my life, my situation:
…And a woman named Leigh Ann welcomed him into her house. And she had a husband called Mark, who went off to work because this was God’s call on his life, the way that he provides for his family. But Leigh Ann was distracted with much serving, namely giving baths, fixing meals, cleaning house, paying the bills, and wielding the frying pan at possible burglars. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my husband has left me to serve alone? Tell him to get his butt home and help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Leigh Ann, Leigh Ann, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. You must choose the good portion, which is love, reverence, respect, and worship.
Last year, I shared with you my mission statement. My life goal is to create a home that makes it impossible to not think about God. One of the ways I strive to accomplish this goal is by being committed to intentionally love my husband by affirming his leadership, passionately pursuing him and meeting his needs, and partnering with him to fulfill God’s call on his life.
That’s my God-given mission with an action plan. Why do I have such a hard time remembering this when all my husband wants when he comes home is for me to give him a hug, look him in the eye, and by all means, tell him I missed him? It’s the little things that I’m terrible at.
I’m selfish, unkind, self-worshiping, cold, bitter woman. That’s me at the core. It’s ugly, isn’t it? I’m naturally bent toward works-based righteousness. I serve, but I expect something in return.
Thankfully, God does not leave me in my selfish state. He has a plan to change me. I believe He will finish the work He began in me years ago. He will bring it to completion. I haven’t arrived yet. I’m a work in progress. I need God’s grace and God’s help by the working of the Holy Spirit within me to mold me into a loving, kind, and respectful wife. I get a glimpse of these beautiful, godly characteristics on occasion, and I praise God for His work.
In the meantime, I will battle. I will pray for deliverance, and I will pray that when the moment of temptation comes, and it inevitably will come, I will turn toward the door of love and grace. I pray that I will turn from the deathly kingdom of self and instead enter into God’s Kingdom-work of loving my husband the way the Church loves and adores Christ. And you know what? God is good for His word.
About Leigh Ann
Well I must say…I love seeing your heart. You are just so darn relatable! The flip of this is true for my marriage. I stop EVERYTHING when Anthony comes home. As though our entire day has built up to the very moment his truck pulls into the garage! I get the girls excited and we all run into the foyer and give him hugs and kisses. It actually forces him (with love) to stop thinking about life outside of the house and just love on us – his family! I said the flip is true: I just mentioned to Anthony that I didn’t feel really welcomed when I come home (which is NOT often!). He was so confused. He said “I said Hi and looked right at you!” I said “You looked RIGHT at me OVER the computer!” I explained to him that we are best friends, lovers, soul mates, made-for-each other in love…doesn’t that deserve at least a brief moment of recognition every day? I encourage you to keep praying through this and make it a priority. But don’t be too hard on yourself, remember, your way of showing love is different. You are busy in the kitchen measuring flour so you can cook something fabulous for your man because you love him THAT much. So it isn’t that you aren’t showing love…you are just showing it differently!
Thanks, Nikki! I wonder if it won’t look different when Samuel is a bit older to understand when Daddy is coming home…we’ll see!
Thanks for writing this! Sometimes it’s nice to know that you aren’t the only one working through something. Although I do not have a husband, this is something I actually have to work through with my friends and family. I get so caught up in the “stress” of getting everything done that I make life and activities stressful for everyone else instead of just enjoying our time together! Prayers for you as well
You have blessed me today!!
You are not alone, friend! This certainly applies to all relationships, not just husband/wife. Thanks for pointing this out, Maria!
I am a truckers wife. I deal with this constantly. Thanks for the inspiration. I am new to your site and am loving it!
Oh a trucker’s wife! Yes, I imagine you experience much of the same. It’s not easy, but God’s grace is sufficient for us! And welcome to our site. I’m so glad you’re here and even more glad that you are enjoying it!!
I’m not sure that the Lord was choosing Mary’s way over Martha’s way. I think maybe His point was that each one was doing something equally important. Our challenge is to find the balance. So don’t beat yourself up too much; sometimes it just isn’t possible to drop what it is and completely become exclusively the loving wife.
I’ll tell you what my mother did when we were kids. She somehow scheduled her work in the house so that every day around 4:00 she had some time to get a quick shower and change into something she hadn’t worked in all day. Our assignment was to straighten things up a bit, especially to make sure the living room was tidy. We knew that as a signal that Daddy would be home soon, and we were ready. When he walked in the door we’d sort of engulf him, and he’d take a few minutes to horse around with us. Then he was off to talk to Mom, and we were NOT to interrupt that. It was their time to talk and decompress from the day.
It isn’t easy to make special time for the grownups, but I think a good routine can be established, and I know it contributes to love and harmony in the home.
I become more and more aware of God’s grace with each passing trip. It’s not easy and finding that balance is difficult, but I’m learning. Thanks for sharing your tips. I will definitely keep them in mind!
Thank you for this post. It honestly could not have come at a better time. Just last night I tried to write a post about what I’ve been dealing with concerning my husband’s jobs. Both his civilian job and military job take him away so much and I’ve been struggling. This really hit home with me, and now I don’t feel so alone with my feelings.
You’re definitely not alone. It’s certainly tough to have our man travel, but I know and trust God has a plan and His grace is sufficient.
I’ve always said I great admire military wives, and wives like you, whose husbands are gone so frequently. It takes a lot of grace!
Yes it does take a lot of grace. I often think of military wives when my hubby travels. I greatly admire them.
Thanks for sharing so honestly! I’ve struggled similarly, although mostly with my husband working late all the time, not actually being out of town. But so often I’m exhausted, frazzled, and smack in the middle of the craziest part of the day when he walks in–late–and I can barely bring myself to say hello with a smile.
I often remind myself that he’s NOT going out of town and NOT military and build a grateful spirit around that. I’ve also trained our kids to plan “how can we bless daddy today” ideas when driving home in the evenings–like straightening up the living room, having all the remotes found, sweeping the floor by the door he comes in, having a glass of ice tea for him, etc. Their enthusiasm helps build my own.
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Leigh Ann, I think you are far too hard on yourself!
Even as a former military wife who has gone through two year-long deployments, I can attest to the fact that what you are going through is very very hard. In some ways, it’s a different kind of pain. What we do with deployments is gear up, then get into a routine when they are gone…it’s very hard to let go of those reigns when they come home. A HUGE struggle to stop DOING and just BE with them. (We call this reintegration in the military world: http://beautifulinhistime.com/2012/03/17/the-rest-of-our-lives-musings-on-reintegration/)
But to go through that process not over the course of a year, but multiple times a month? Daggone that’s rough in it’s own right as well!! It’s like the roller-coaster of deployment…only a LOT faster.
So you won’t hear any laughing from me. Separation during marriage, especially when there are children involved, is TOUGH! Especially when you have to take on the role of “man of the house” while they are gone.
((HUGS)) Hang in there…and if you ever need to talk, please email me. I promise there will be no laughing or criticism, only the love from someone who has been there.
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Thank you. Today I needed these words. So just thank you!