A Surrendered Marriage: Communication {Guest Post}

As I surveyed my married friends and mentors, one piece of advice peppered each conversation – communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk about life, talk about things that matter, talk about the kids, talk about your struggles, talk about your successes … just take time to talk to your spouse frequently!

So today, my friend, Nikki from Christian Mommy Blogger, is going to talk to you about … well talking. She doesn’t have it all figured out, but after seven years of marriage, she has learned a thing or two. Maybe you can relate?

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I struggle with communicating effectively.

There, I said it. Whew. What a load off my shoulders.

I don’t always know what to say or do.  I don’t always know the right answer. However, if you pick a fight with me, I will bite. If you come at me and tell me I am wrong, my pride will blow up like a bag of microwave popcorn. It can be messy. This is what I have been working on for the last seven years of marriage.

My pride.

You didn’t think I would write about “communication” without addressing pride, did you? Friends, we have to lay our pride at the foot of the cross every. single. day.

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” ~Proverbs 11:2

Rather than write about effective communicating according to what “they” say, I will enter this conversation with you as I should enter each conversation with my spouse: with humility, as I will share with you what I have personally learned over the years.

Do you feel as though your spouse is worse at communicating than you and you think they need to change a few things? Hold your horses.

“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” ~Matthew 7:5

If you find that you are focused too much on their communication styles (or lack there of) you will probably be negative, quiet, short, naggy or any of those other “bad” communication terms. Let’s spend less time pointing the finger and more time asking the Lord how we can change!

When you feel frustrated, discouraged, angry or sad – tell your spouse! Do not let it build up. A little bit of rain periodically is far better than a hail storm.

The enemy makes me feel guilty about this. As a result, I personally feel that I may be burdening my husband.

• Will it sound as though I am nagging if I express to him my frustrations that he isn’t initiating our family devotions?
• He works on his truck out in the garage until just before dinner. This is my hardest time. Won’t he just KNOW that it frustrates me?

No, no he won’t. He won’t just know you are hurt, upset, or dare I say, angry. And making it abundantly clear by your actions (huffing and puffing) is not how you should handle it. Our husbands aren’t mind-readers (ugh, I know), but he can hear you when you voice your opinion. Just try to not sound naggy and overbearing, okay? Remember, we’re going at this with humility.

Just as you want your spouse to listen to your points of view (and complaints), be sure you have an open heart when hearing theirs. Let’s repeat that one: have an open heart and open mind when your spouse is giving you feedback, criticism, or compliments. Listen fully. (Here comes the “p” word again)…Force your pride to take a backseat so your marriage can take a front seat.

If you are too busy focusing on what your spouse needs to change, you will miss what you need to change. Focus on what the Lord is trying to change in your life so you can actually CHANGE IT. If you only focus on your spouse’s flaws (and only negatively communicate these flaws to them) and they only focus on your flaws, nobody is changing but everyone is unhappy.

Communicating is either a positive or a negative aspect of every relationship. When used effectively, even the negative communication can be a totally positive player in your marriage.

Each time you address your partner, try to edify, encourage, inspire and motivate. Focus on what you need to change and be open to what they communicate to you (negative or positive). If you are constantly working on your communication skills and being a better spouse, you will find that your spouse starts improving in those areas as well – and let them know you notice these changes!

Update: I had finished this post at the last paragraph. Before I had a chance to press “send” and shoot it on over to Leigh Ann, I received this verse. It is from her Facebook Group – A Surrendered Marriage Prayer Group. Mark posted today and I couldn’t help but realize the Lord was giving me this verse, for this very post. Are you ready for it?

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” {Philippians 2.3}

There it is people. By treating your spouse as more significant than yourself, won’t you WANT to listen? Won’t you desire to make your words edify, encourage, inspire and motivate? I pray that each and every one of us sets our pride at the foot of the cross, and counts our spouse as more significant than ourselves. That, sweet reader, is what effective communication is all about.

Nikki is a Jesus loving, stay at home, mommy-blogger. She loves cooking (and growing and brewing) traditional whole foods for her family of four. She is a Navy wife to a loving husband in the beautiful rolling hills of southern Indiana. She loves cloth diapers, Keurig coffee, line dried laundry, breastfeeding, cast iron pans, bible studies and sharing about all of these things!! Find her blogging at Christian Mommy Blogger. You can also see updates, quick tips, and other inside scoops by liking her on Facebook, or by following her on Twitter (@ChristMomBlog)

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